A Proud Christmas Tree Salesman's Guide To Christmas Tree Shopping

"I came here to do two things- chew gum, try not to let anyone know I failed math in college, and teach you all how to buy a Christmas Tree, and it looks like Im all out of gum."

- PFT Commenter

Its that time of year again, the real December to remember sales event is happening right now in supermarket parking lots all across America. Its Christmas Tree purchasing season and these yuletide saplings are all the rage from Portland Maine to Salem Oregon. Its not truly Christmas season until your dad breaks something trying to set up a tree that your moms going to complain about initially, and make no mistake about it, this is the hottest weekend to buy. How crazy are we as a country for our beloved Tannenbaums? The only thing that can preempt a Wednesday NFL game is the ceremonial lighting of the national christmas tree in our nations capital, New York City. 

And with everyone running out to buy their festive firs, I wanted to try to help you from the perspective of a veteran Christmas Tree Salesman. I started selling them when I was 11 and I'll be honest its still very much in my blood to this day. Sure, some people opt for the fake tree which is fine if thats your only option, but to put it into perspective, those trees are mids at best. If I'm gonna be lighting up a tree of my own I need some dank ass Pine Bud, so I wouldnt recommend anything less to you and your happy family 

Doug Mills. Shutterstock Images.

Now that weve thoroughly debunked the War-on-christmas funded fake-tree propoganda, lets get down to the specifics of purchasing the right tree for you. In order to provide you with the best info, I answered anonymous questions from readers:

What type of tree should I get PFT? At the end of the day, isnt a tree just a tree?

Yes a tree is a tree, in the same way that OJ Simpson and Kordell Stewart are both technicaly football players nicknamed "Slash." 

But if you want a tree that will:

a) fill your house with the pleasing aroma of not the normal smell of your house

b) provide ample room for presents underneath and branch-space for a bountiful assortment of ornaments without confusing Santa

c) Make you feel strong when its time to remove it and you can toss it overhead style into the street because its not as heavy as it looks, impressing your mom and neighbors 

Then reader, look no farther than the mighty Fraser Fir. Yes, the Fraser Fir is the Cadillac of Christmas trees. You cant go wrong with a Fraser fir picked right off the lot in early 'cember. A quality Frase will set you back anywhere between $0-$100 depending on how stolen it is, and my friend they are worth every penny. You never have to "get" a Fraser Fir ready because they stay ready. They were born ready. They have Christmas in their DNA. Word on the street is that there was a fourth Wise Man who was bringing Mary a Fraser Fir as her present, and those other three simps ganged up and murdered him up real good so their measly baby gifts wouldnt look as insulting.

But PFT I traditionally buy a douglas fir

Sorry about the divorce. 

Many cultures use spruce trees

Get the fuck out of my column.

"What size tree should I get? I have a rooftop were I conduct my many infamous business rooftop meetings, but I have no idea how tall my ceilings are?"

The first thing you should take into account is the height of your ceiling or as I like to call it, your room cervix. Most standard ceilings are 8 feet tall unless your dad was a lawyer who had more than 2 set of personal golf clubs in the garage in which case we're probably looking at 10-12. Now many people would say- I'll get a 8 foot tree if my ceilings are 8 feet tall. That would be foolhardy at best, and disqualifying of your securty deposit at worst. When you buy a tree, it should typicaly be about a foot shorter then your ceilings, kind of how if your looking for the perfect male hes usually gonna be about 10% shorter than Hollywood tells you is attractive. But if you get a 8 foot tall tree, watch out because you forgot to account for the stand which adds 6-12 inches, plus you'll run out of room at the top for that cute little Star or Sister Jean Voodoo Doll.

Is there anything I should look for when I'm deciding which Fraser Fir is right for me?

Youve made the correct decision to read a blog about tree shopping so your 90% more prepared than the general public. The last 10% after you've decided on Fraser Firs, is when your on the lot, use your fingers to slightly bend the end of some of the branches, and if it snaps- that trees drier then Deanna Farve. Find one that has some flexibility and bounce-back, so no one can tell that its been dead for a month until after Christmas.

Honestly if your Christmas tree shopping this is probably all you need to do to ensure a positive buying experience. I use to sell Christmas trees to rich divorcees and K-street lobbiests who would want to look at every tree we had on the lot which is a giant pain in the ass- they're 90% the same. If theres a bad side to the tree youre considering, remember that people forget that when you buy a Xmas tree, 40% of it is going to be on a wall. One time I peed on a tree during my break and the next day I sold it to Newt Gingrich. 

So now that you've picked out the perfect properly sized tree how are you going to get it home? This is were the professionals come in. First ask the 15 year old with the chainsaw to cut off about 2 inches from the bottom of the tree. If you ask him to cut off six inches remember hes a 15 year old boy and he will eye measure to approx the size of his penis and that will make it very awkward for the both of you. The purpose for this 2 inch cut is so the tree can continue to drink water as its dying. Its pallative care- your tree is Christmas treery schiavo and you are doing everything you can to support it. Then ask them to remove the bottom row of branches so you can fit up to 6 inches of bare stump into your stand, otherwise the branches will make it so the stand wont fit. 

You can pop the trunk, put the tree in there and tie the trunk lid down, or toss it on the top of the vehicle and secure it with three different rows of twine. Leave this to the professonals because if you screw it up yourself its way better to have someone to blame. I use to ask the customers how far they had to go, as if had they said over 5 miles I would then actually try to secure the tree as opposed to letting it fall off on a highway in front of a school bus. 

At-home maintenece

Pour some water into the stand once a day, or every couple days, or maybe once or twice if you forget. Your going to have to get way under there with a pitcher of water, or you can do what I actually used to do, and use a Vuvuzela as a convenient funnel to so you dont have to crawl under the tree each time.

Vaccuum a lot.

PFT, I have a small dog with a giant slimy dick that gets caught on uneven surfaces, is it safe to have branches he can chew on down near his level?

PSA= Poinsettias (the red leafy plants you see surrounding sportscenter studios like the blob every December) are poisonous to dogs and cats so dont keep those around them. Christmas Trees arent super poisonous but i wouldnt want to let my dog swallow a bajillion needles every day for a month. They probably wont try to eat them more than once or twice, so it shoudnt be a problem. However they might use their weird dicks to try and pee on them because if your in their shoes and you found a portapotty in the middle of the woods youd probably want to crank a brown right then and there.  

But its inhumane to bring any living thing into your home only to have it die within the month 

Tell that to Lena Dunham as shes laughing all the way to another book deal

B-b-but the needles get everywere

Same observation could be made about Mariah Careys facial aesthetic routine, yet we invite her into our homes each holiday season to bless us with her delightful christmas songs.

Wahhh! Theyre a fire hazard

So is clicking on these takes so your already committed to living on that blazin edge. Checkmate and welcome to the brotherhood.