Ranking The Worst Men's Halloween Costumes Of ALL Time
Bussin’ With the Boys’ Spooktober is now in its third week and the Boys are recovering from an eventful week, with Taylor unfortunately tearing his ACL and having to rehab the rest of the season.
But being the trooper that he is, Spooktober continues despite the setback! The Boys dropped their third Halloween themed episode covering: haunted house etiquette, why you shouldn’t mess with ghosts, and other similar themes.
I thought this would be a good time to discuss the most popular and least tasteful Halloween costumes. No, I’m not talking about the naughty nurse or the slutty french maid costumes, I’m talking about costumes of the male variety. The kind where a dude looks at a web site and says, “Yep, THAT’S getting me laid this year.”
So in an effort to be helpful, I am going to list some of the more popular male Halloween costumes and their chances of getting you laid.
King Of Egypt: 2/10 WAPs
The year 2000 called, it wants it’s costume back. Does anyone remember that Tom Cruise remade the 1999 Brendan Fraser movie “The Mummy” in 2017? No? Neither did I. It’s true, though. What goes into the mindframe that says, “I want to be an Egyptian pharaoh for Halloween?” Is it because you just want to wear sandals? It is, isn’t it. SMDH This is neither a timely choice for a costume nor a particularly attractive one. You’re going to have to bring SO MUCH Pink Whitney for this one to work.
Men’s Special Ops 1/10 WAPs
The year is 2020, and a Special Ops Halloween costume is a bold choice. Nothing says, “have sex with me” to a college girl like a guy all dressed in teflon black with sleeveless arms and handcuffs on his belt loop. SEXXXYYYY. Yeah, no one can see that your Christian Gray behind the fake Aviators and black muzzle. A very poor choice that no amount of charm and alcohol will overcome.
Prince of Darkness 6/10 WAPs
With the prevalence of Netflix supernatural shows, this one might actually work in landing you that big titty emo goth girl which is your number one search on Google on those many late nights you come home alone. The cane by itself is going to attract attention. Just tell them you’re Gavin Leatherwood from the Chilling Adventures of Sabrina, and you’ll have a better than even chance of filling the other side of that dorm bed.
Prison Jumpsuit 0/10 WAPs
Nothing says unemployable, lacking creativity, and haven’t seen a woman much less touched one like the orange jumpsuit. If you’re really into cosplay, and get turned on by collect calls, a man who knows how to make a shiv out of a toothbrush and is used to sleeping near a rusty toilet with another man bunked above him? Then this costume is for you.
Top Gun 2/10 WAPs
Yes, I know Covid has pushed the release of the new “Top Gun” movie back until 2025 or whenever the fuck we are exiting this pandemic. But even in its heyday, this is a very tough one to pull off. First of all it's just a one piece jumpsuit, and unless you’re built like a Greek God, it’s going to look like shit on you. Second of all, I think technically it’s stolen valor? I’ll have to ask Captain Cons about that. No one wants to be the fake military guy. Very good odds you’re coming home alone if you wear this one.
Pimp 1/10 WAPs
Yeahhhhhhhhhh. Ok, so you want to go as a pimp for Halloween. Might I suggest, NO? Pimps and Hos parties went out of style in 1991, yet somehow a dude will always show up in a Pimp costume to the Halloween soiree. The question is, why? “Starsky & Hutch” went off the air in 1979 for God’s sake. And no matter what, you ain’t no Huggy Bear. This would be the worst possible choice for a Halloween costume if it wasn’t for the existence of …
Clown: 0/10 WAPs
The Clown from “It.” Who the fuck thinks this is a good idea? No one who wants to get with another living, breathing human being, that’s who. Clowns themselves are grotesque remnants of touring animal abuse shows, and yet, here we are. Anyone in 2020 ever consider hiring a clown, for literally anything? Ever? Of course not. This isn’t 1956 Mayberry and you’re not Andy Griffith preparing for Opie’s 7th birthday party with the lads. Clowns today are only associated with serial killers and the ICP Gathering of the Juggalos. And besides, I’m not going to lie. I’m deathly afraid of clowns. I once ran into a clown in the halls of the Rose Garden arena when I got separated from my family during a Ringling Bros and Barnum & Bailey Circus and I have never ever recovered since… Not another clown movie, not an amusement park, no where that balloon animals are created. Nothing.
So there you go, some sensible advice for anyone who’s looking to attract a mate during Halloween season… Stay away from these costumes and any others that expose your toes, groin, or nipples.
Bussin’ With the Boys latest episode in the Spooktober series dropped this week, give it a listen!