I Promise You Are Not Prepared To See How Dennis Rodman Opens A Box Of Sneakers

I don't know how I thought Dennis Rodman opened a box of shoes. Never really crossed my mind. There are about a billion things that crossed my mind whenever I heard the name "Dennis Rodman." There was simply no space to consider how he'd handle such a simple task. Well not any more. I don't care how many times he led the NBA in rebounding. Him asking Jordan and Phil Jackson for a vacation in the middle of the season means little now. His nights with Madonna and Carmen Electra might as well have never happened. All of those can take a back seat. Because in a lifetime of batshit crazy decision after batshit crazy decision there's nothing that tops this. All the highs - both literally and figuratively - cannot hold a candle to this. My man peeled that shit back like the plastic on a Kraft's American single before fixing himself a grilled cheese. Although even mere seconds after making that analogy I'm now terrified to think how he opens those. 

I should have known better. This is THE Dennis Rodman we're talking about here. A true one of one even when compared to the likes of all the other crazy motherfuckers in existence. In the words of John Mulaney, "Crazy people have an unlimited amount of crazy currency." And Rodman is basically the Jeff Bezos of the insane.