Could I Beat Logan Paul's Ass?

Ok, so I really didn't want to have to address this. 

But it's gotten so out of hand that I've been left with no other choice. For the past week, I’ve been getting pestered on and offline, by friends and foes alike, about taking Logan Paul up on his public offer to defeat him in a wrestling match. At first, I tried to ignore it and compensate for my lack of balls by picking on 20-year-old Canadian girls and editing diarrhea sounds onto their harmless Instagram videos. It's not that I was necessarily "afraid" of a sanctioned bout with the cartoonish manchild, but more-so because I was confused. 

Somehow, over the course of the last year, I went from being viciously pressured online to fight the malnourished larva on the left to being universally expected to take on the 25-year-old vascular wildebeest to its east. It's like I went from one end of the Upper Class Insufferable Internet Douchebag spectrum to the other, overnight. I guess I just assumed there would be some kind of middle ground. 

While all three of us have made considerable progress to our physiques in that time span, the masses are now solely interested in seeing me take on the opponent with whom I’m actually legally allowed to exchange blows...

Lately, the Barstool audience has been pressuring me to grapple Logan Paul with the same intensity that they pressure our male bloggers to show them Instagram pictures of bikini-clad smokeshows and pseudo models, as if free pornography doesn’t exist in abundance. Their desperate cries of “This site needs more smut!” and “Make me horny, Trent!” have been temporarily replaced by “KB, you better wrestle Logan Paul!” and “Don’t be a pussy, Kyle!”  

As if my ultra rare and fearless eye contact in this photo from last August doesn't say enough, I'm finally ready to let my sap-soaked fingers do the talking and breakdown the reasons why I'd be able to defeat Logan Paul in a wrestling match, despite my size disadvantage.

Wrestling Skill

While Logan peaked in the sport by finishing 5th in the state of Ohio as a high school senior (that's not that bad!!), I won back-to-back state titles with extreme ease before becoming one of the top D1 college wrestlers in my weight class for four straight years, in terms of Twitter popularity. 

Wrestling Experience

Talent can only get you so far, and when there's something as big as $10,000 on the line, seasoned veterans tend to have the advantage. While Logan spent his youth fleeing Ohio to boof virgin piña coladas and scramble in the sand with his misshapen little brother, I was invading his home state to take out its best competition.

Confidence 

During our tenures as Vine celebrities, only one of us had the self confidence to remove all of our garments and go fully nude for the six-second silver screen. Logan’s censored slapsticks may have gotten him millions of dollars and a mansion in LA, but it's clear that I have the bigger ballsack by at least a few fluid ounces.

Composure

On the big stage, keeping your composure in the face of adversity is soooo fucking key. I can't stress this enough. In the past year, Logan and I were both the victims of embarrassing footage that leaked of us (“him” fellating a younger man and “me” locking lips with an elder woman). While I was as calm and relaxed as Anton Chigurh on anesthetics for the entirety of my “exposé” episode on live national radio, Logan was squirming like a seizing squid during his pre-recorded podcast. 

Resilience

When it comes to the power of an athlete, the ability to evade cyber cancellation is so important. Mr. Paul may have talked a big game when it came to his omnipotence as an infallible influencer, but when push came to shove and he faced massive backlash for glorifying suicide to his fanbase of fifth graders, he folded faster than a pessimistic poker player. 

I, on the other hand, didn’t throw in the towel, didn’t fumble my cards, and sure as hell didn’t apologize to anyone after accidentally mocking the personal tragedy of a deceased quadriplegic celebrity.

Sex Appeal

The ability to heterosexually make women swoon may not seem like an important factor when it comes to a male-on-male wrestling match, but it’s actually what separates the passionate men from the boys who are in it for all the wrong reasons. In the “getting bitches” department, Logan and I unfortunately don’t have any mutual opponents. Aside from one...

Both of us have been pursued to varying degrees by infamous internet vixen Caroline Calloway in the year 2020. 

While Ms. Calloway was merely curious about sleepy, little Logan’s early evening state of consciousness, she expressed genuine interest in a long-term, stipulationless relationship with yours truly. 

Stamina

While Mr. Paul is known for his prematurity and lack of physical longevity, I've been known to withstand exertion for up to a couple hours at a time.

Training

While little Logan lugs around pieces of lumber like he’s the fictional antagonist in a straight-to-VHS ‘80s high school sports movie, I’ve been taking on entire trees at once, limb by limb, behind the scenes. If you listen to The Yak then you already know about my affinity for ascending the local flora, but it's long been said that climbing trees is the best full-body workout that a combatant can do. 

Will To Win

Lastly, I just want to point out that I have NOT been perspiring so much due to amphetamine-induced inebriation or anything silly like that. I've been so god damn sweaty because I've been training like a motherfucking madman.