Mike Miketeen: The Sweet 16 of Mikes
Ok, so wow. Mike fans around the world can finally breathe a sigh of relief. After being postponed for nearly four months, the 2020 Mike Mikeness Championships is officially back in action.
The search for the Mikiest Mike of the year is down to just 16 fierce competitors, and it will come down to you guys to vote for the winners. With gnarly matchups and controversial drama, this Mike hunt may go down as one of most memorable of all time, but hell, who am I to say? Due to the COVID pandemic, all Mike Mikeness competitors will be quarantined in an isolation zone, known as the Mike Bubblé, for the remainder of the tournament.
MATCHUPS
Michael Phelps (Swimming) vs. Shawn Michaels (Fake Wrestling)
In the Sports Region, 23x Olympic gold medalist Michael Fred “Flying Fish” Phelps II will take on 4x world champion and 2x Royal Rumble champion Michael Shawn “Shawn Michaels” Higgenbottom. Higgenbottom, 55, is widely regarded as one of the greatest professional wrestlers in history, while Phelps, 35, is considered one of the greatest swimmers from the U.S. state of Maryland. The top-seeded former Kellogg's ambassador is the favorite here, but he'll likely have his hands — as well as the southern hemisphere of his face — full when it comes to his opponent's infamous chin tunes.
Michael B. Jordan (Boxing) vs. Michael Johnson (Tracking Field)
With a record of 25-1 with 24 knockouts in his stellar career as a fictional boxer, it's no secret that Michael Bakari Jordan is one of the greatest of all time. The 33-year-old Newark native, who's known for training 24/7 and suffering from chronic narcolepsy, may be ultra woke, but his gold medalist opponent hasn't seen race since the 2000 Sydney Olympics.
Gianna Michaels (Oil Overload 1) vs. Michael Jordan (Space Jam)
In the TV/Movies Region, famed '90s live action/animated actor Michael Jordan will be going head to head with adult film phenom Gianna Michaels (Furious Fuckers: Final Race), who's best known for her titular role in G for Gianna. Along with her 2013 FANNY award for Most Valuable Vagina, the 37-year-old Praise The Load star was also nominated for the 2010 AVN award for Best Anal Sex Scene, thanks to her leading role in Big Wet Asses 15. Jordan was nominated for a Kids' Choice Award in 1997 for his role as himself in Space Jam.
Comparing The Stats
Gianna Michaels starred alongside Lex Steele in Silverback Attack 2, which has a 75% audience rating on Pornhub. Meanwhile, Michael Jordan, 57, starred alongside Wayne Knight in Space Jam, which has a 63% audience rating on Rotten Tomatoes.
Michael Night Shyamalan (The Sixth Sense) vs. Michael J. Fox (Stuart Little)
A wise man once said, "Jesus Christ, this is gold" when describing the epic twists at the end of one of Shyamalan's movies. The 50-year-old American filmmaker may be known for directing some of the most intellectually advanced masterpieces of the 21st century, but his opponent, Michael J. Fox, is known for voicing the most intellectually advanced anthropomorphic teenage mouse in cinematic history.
Mix Master Mike (DJ) vs. Michael Bublé (Pop Star)
Oh how the tables have turned. In the Music Region, first time Mike Mikeness qualifier Michael "Mix Master Mike" Schwartz is coming off a gigantic upset win via knockout over 2017 champion Mike Pence, after hypnotizing him with a hip hop remix to The Star Spangled Banner. The 50-year-old American turntablist of Beastie Boys fame will be taking on 4x Grammy-winning heartthrob Michael Bublé of Canada.
Mike Jones (Rapper) vs. Mike Posner (Pop Singer)
It's often said that "Mike Jones walked so Mike Posner could walk a lot farther." In 2004, Jones shocked the world with his back-to-back breakout singles "Still Tippin'" and "Back Then." Similarly, Posner exploded on the scene with subsequent releases of "Cooler Than Me" and "Please Don't Go" in 2010. Jones is coming off a trip to the Elite Eight in 2019, while this is Posner's first Sweet Sixteen appearance since performing at Lake Forest Academy sophomore Alicia Barshefsky's birthday party in 2015. His opponent still hasn't had an "I Took A Pill In Ibiza" type of comeback, but Mr. Jones struck up a conversation with me on Twitter and showed signs of big stardom in the near future.
(I think he thinks I’m an aspiring rapper of some sort)
Blind Mike (Intern Dana & Blind Mike Go To The Beach) vs. Mike (Mike & Mike)
Out of the Miscellaneous Region, the ocularly handicapped co-star of the Kirk Minihane Show became the first 16th seed to make it this far in Mike Mikeness history, after using fan harassment to defeat the highly decorated, top-seeded Michaels retail store via injury default.
He'll be taking on the former co-host of Mike & Mike, Mike, who plans on using deactivation and indifference to stop his opponent's attacks.
Michael Scott (Television Character) vs. Mike’s Hard Lemonade (Flavored Malt Beverage)
In the second round, Michael Gary Scott of The Office fame secured a dramatic overtime upset over Mike "Michelangelo" Angelo of Sistene Chapel ceiling fame. Meanwhile, Mike's Hard Lemonade knocked out longtime rival Mike Grinelle of Barstool Sports for the first time since his 27th birthday in February.
Comparing The Stats
Mike's Hard Lemonade's total sales in 2019: $293 million
Michael Scott's total quotes in dating app profiles in 2019: 292.5 million