We Have Found The Ultimate Alpha Male. And He Has Published His List Of Demands. Ladies Please Take Notes.
Meet Daniel Black.
Just your average single proud-to-be-an-American male.
Seems to be a Tesla fan from the looks of it. And he's single. Which is good news for our female stoolies out there.
Allow me to demonstrate why.
Anybody that's been in a relationship in their life knows that there are sets of written rules, and unwritten rules.
Examples of written rules - don't cheat, don't lie, don't bring up shit from each other's past, etc.
Unwritten rules - don't bad mouth your partner to your friends, don't tell your in-laws to go fuck themselves, don't leave the toilet seat up, etc.
Then there are the personal quirks each individual brings to the table that you have to adjust for. You know each of our weird ticks and beliefs and all the shit that seems really cute at first but makes you want to throw the other person through the wall after a few months?
Well, I think the "True Alpha" Daniel here has finally figured it out for us all.
If you make your criteria know well in advance, you're able to weed out any duds right from the jump. Your future partner also has no out because she/he knows perfectly well what they signed up for. Curious what I mean? Let's take a look at Daniel's rules shall we? (these are version 2.0 keep in mind. I was unable to find the first version I'm sorry)
Let's break down some of these.
1- Gotta have decent boobs. Gotta. Daniel ain't into the bee-stings so members of the itty-bitty-titty-committee need not apply.
2- Muscular butt? I woulda went with "nice ass" but to each their own.
3- Must have abs? Is Daniel's real name A-rod?
4- Nice hair? yup of course
5- Workout regularly. Looks like there's a pattern developing here.
6- No debt? This is like asking the question "Are you a male" in "Guess Who". Instantly eliminates half the board. Word to Daniel here, if you're looking for a female with no debt in 2020 you better be open to Amish chicks.
7- No bad tattoos. Can we get some clarification here on what a good vs a bad tattoo is Daniel?
8- No kids. Alphas don't raise beta offspring. Duh.
9- Between 18-40. It's called being open minded.
10- Must have thick muscle thighs. umm?
11- Must be pretty. Yes of course. Great #11
12- No guy friends. Definitely. Zero. If you've made it this far and check all these boxes then you're obviously smoking hot and any male that wants to associate with you is only hanging around to fuck. Waiting for a pity fuck, or to catch you when you're vulnerable. Tale as old as time. Daniel gets it. And they usually look like this guy -
(Not Another Teen Movie extremely underrated btw)
13- Weekly phone checks. Completely reasonable demand.
14- "I must be present when she hangs out with her girlfriends and no girls nights out". The most important foundational element of a relationship is trust.
15- Decent job. This ain't no free ride lady.
16- Must do everything I say. Another reasonable stipulation.
17 - Has to call me every day. Do cell phone works in basement cages?
18- Cooked dinners 5 nights a week. Taking it back to the old school. On top of having a "decent" job and staying in peak phsycial shape I don't think this is asking for much.
19- Must come with me on dates. He wants to show you off. How sweet.
20- Do nice things. The more the better.
21- Must give a nice gift AT LEAST once a month. Not saying you're capped at just one.
22- Having kids must be an option. Keeping an open mind is important.
23- Help around the house. Duh
24- Need to help with the finances. To a degree. That's where the decent job factors in.
25- Ignore guys who talk to you besides me. That means turn and walk away from your boss when he speaks to you then once back at your desk kindly send an email explaining to him you're in a happy and healthy relationship and would like to keep it that way so anything he needs to say to you he can email you and CC me on.
26- Must put me first. Personally I think this should have been #1 but I'm not gonna tell the alpha how to do things. I'm not an idiot.
27- Must have nice muscular calves. Often an overlooked body part. Further down the list than thighs but still top 30. Just make sure your entire lower body is well toned and stays toned ok? Ass, thighs, calves. Toes too while we're at it. Keep all that shit tight and muscular. Got it?
28- Must dress well. Nobody likes a slob
29- Act feminine. Duh, you're dating an ALPHA MALE.
30- Sex AT LEAST 3 times a week. Again, not saying it has to be only 3 times. Can be more. Just letting you know the minimum.
31- Hang out with me as much as possible. When you're not at the gym, or working, or helping around the house, or cooking me dinner, you need to hang out with me as much as possible.
32- "Must treat me like a king". There was once a time in this country where this didn't even need to be said. Sigh.
33- "What I say goes, I know best." not up for debate.
34- NO FEMINISTS.
35- Must respect me. I'm not asking for much
36- Hugs and kisses everyday. The little things go a long way.
I'm sorry if you though the list ended at 36. That's all my screen allowed me to capture in one frame. There's plenty more.
33-34 - Benching and squatting 300 and 400 lbs is not too much to ask. You need to be able to in order to ride this ride.
41- Must do laundry. It's a dying art.
45- No vegetarian bullshit. We eat meat in alpha houses!
51- Gotta invest in the market. And your portfolio better be diverse.
53- perfect noses only
54- I like a girl with a nice jawline. Muscular back, and able to bench 300. I'm not gay you're gay.
59- I'm not saying you need to take me to everywhere you go but you need to at least invite me.
63- Remember where I said kids had to be an option? (rule 22) Gotcha. The purpose of the alpha male is to procreate and keep the gene pool strong. Read a biology book for me one time.
65- Typo. It's "Must eat 20 healthy meals per WEEK that she pays for" not a day. What do you think I am some lunatic?
66- Must tell other women to back off me. I hate having to do it all the time so it's your job now.
69- "Perfect mega muscle legs" - definitely a theme here
73- Must drive me around town. Uber. Ever heard of it? Well forget about it because we're not taking it. That's what you're for.
76- Must delete all male friends. From your phone, social media channels, and your life in general while you're at it. I'm all the male you need now.
77- Must submit to me. When we're having sex no less than 3 times per week we will have to find ways to keep things interesting and this will work best.
79- Must not talk back. If you don't speak unless I speak to you period that might work out best.
Only a few more and we're done.
85- How are you able to brag to all your friends about me when you aren't allowed to have any you might ask? Well my friends are now your friends so they're the ones you can tell how great I am at lifting, sex, and just being alpha at everything in general.
91- "Pics" = nudes. I want them. Every day.
94- Must beat me in arm wrestling. This is the only thing I will allow you to dominate me in. I'm not weird you're weird.
95 - Throw me some of your stocks every once in a while
97- If you're out on Shark Tank then for that reason I'm out on you
101- Must watch horror movies with me because you'll need something for reference to realize how good you have it.
So there we have it. Pretty flawless list in my opinion. Touches on just about everything. Maybe could have used a few more weight lifting related stipulations but it's a good base.
Ladies wondering why you can never find a "good" man should look no further. If you're into betas its one thing. But if you're goals are set higher than rock bottom and you keep finding yourself coming up short it's time to ask yourself - "Do you check these 101 boxes?" If not maybe it's time to take a hard look in the mirror.
Should we just have Daniel engrave these now or are there any that he might have missed?