Someone Ranked How Often Readers Of Various Websites Get Laid On Dating Apps And I'm VERY Disappointed In Barstool's Showing

You see this shit? They’re laughing at us out there.

The Grade – The Grade, a female-friendly dating application that holds users accountable for their behavior, analyzed the swiping behavior of users who like popular websites and blogs to determine what the most desirable singles are reading. We calculated the like-rate based on 400,000 swipe interactions from 5,000 users who have listed one of the publications below as an interest, and ranked each publication based on the like-rates.

The chart below shows the rate at which users get liked on The Grade, broken out by their favorite publications. For example, users on The Grade who like Refinery29, get liked 64% of the time.

So I guess this is sort of a good news bad news situation. Good news is we beat ESPN (which isn’t that surprising given that their comments generally make ours look like Lincoln-Douglas debates). Bad news is we lost to Buzzfeed, Jezebel, and even fucking Elite Daily. Of course it’s nice just to be considered unlike some of our competitor sites (ooooh suck it Chive, take your success, pretty pictures, and cultural ubiquity elsewhere) but 44%? Just barely ahead of legit nerd sites like Techcrunch and The Verge? What are we even doing here guys? Do you think I’m posting weekly Tinder blogs now for fun? NO. I’m posting them for pageviews your own self-improvement. This is a war out there on the dating apps, a guerilla campaign to claim the hearts, minds, and vaginas of the rest of society in the name of Barstool.

But we won’t win that war like this. No siree. Do you honestly think our readership should be losing to a bunch of blowhards like the people who read Slate or have the weirdos who obsessively click Drudge Report breathing down our necks? You guys are Barstool readers, possibly the only normal men left online with some sense of how the world actually works. Worldly, informed men. Men who blindly click Bieber blogs, Kardashian blogs, and pizza reviews in a gibberish version of a foreign language while complaining about every minute of it. You were built to last and succeed amidst the mindless babbling of women on dating apps. And yet you let us all down with your performance here. And I simply cannot enable that.

So you fucking dust yourselves off and get out there. Take new handsome photos (perhaps in a flattering new Barstool t-shirt) instead of some frat star bullshit where you look sloppy drunk and unfuckable. Do an outdoorsy one or one with friends who are also not unattractive. Put a filter on your photo and drop an emoji here and there for Christ’s sake, speak the women’s language. Swipe right until your fingers are dulled and bloodied. But overall WIN AT ALL COSTS because I refuse to accept an embarrassment like this again.

Anyway this isn’t an ad blog and I’ve got no clue what the deal is with this The Grade app but if you want to try it out, you can download it here. BUT SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU DROP OUR RANKINGS DOWN ANY FURTHER I WILL LIGHT YOU THE FUCK UP.

If I’m breaking out Glengarry Glen Ross you know I’m serious. Don’t test me. Closers close.

(Women to whom you’ve embarrassed Barstool photo by Shutterstock)