Breaking News: Bernie Williams Is Retiring

Really shocking stuff today, to hear about one of the all-time great Yankees hanging them up in the middle of a season. It’s pretty rare to see an iconic player do that.

Oh, he hasn’t played in 9 years? Then who the hell cares? I defend the Yankees for almost everything but this is something I can’t get behind, because it’s not like they are even making money off of this. There will be a press conference for no reason and a signing of a piece of paper that no one cares about. At least the previously scheduled number retirement ceremony in a few months wont feel weird now.
Just a total waste of time, unless we can all live this way. If that’s the case, I have a few retirement announcements to make.

1) I’m going to retire from working out. Gonna take a break from the gym and hours of running every week. You all may have been tipped off on this one but after 10 years, it feels good to let you all in on my secret.

2) I’m also going to retire from baseball. It’s been 11 years since I played but I think it’s important to really put a bow on my career.

3) I’m breaking up with my HS girlfriend. I know it’s been a while since we were “together” and we never really had “the talk” but our relationship is sheets. I’m engaged and you’re married and pregnant but I felt bad leaving you hanging out there waiting for me to call. Go on now you’re free.

Actually, I think I get it now. Getting all that out there made me feel like a new man. Not new enough to learn guitar and enroll at SUNY Purchase like Bernie, but still new.

PS: Had no clue it had been 9 years since Bernie played, and now I feel old.