Breaking Down The Drama

"Stop trying to act superior because you 'don't understand' people who are way cooler, hotter, and richer than you. Of course you don't 'get' Lil Huddy and LuvvAnthony. They're in a completely different tax bracket than you."  

I’m pretty sure we’ve reached a point in American history where there are more teens who are TikTok stars than teens who aren’t TikTok stars. As much as I'd love to hate this, it's actually kind of cool and wholesome. It seems like the ones who try hard enough eventually become one, and the ones who don’t try at all become one even faster and more aggressively. At least that’s the case for the platform’s most popular personalities—the members of the "Hype House" and "Sway House"—who’ve never had to do anything more than whatever this is:

I don’t know anything else about these life forms, except that they operate in collectives that inhabit their own respective LA mansions together; they range in age from 16 to 22 (which is unsettling); each of them is almost certainly being exploited to some degree of disturbing; and one of them is an 18-year-old phenom named “Lil Huddy” who tweeted the following masterpiece on Monday, which definitely hasn’t been addressed or blogged about by anyone at this company until now. 

In the least justifiable and most pathetic way possible, I live for things like this. From Cole LaBrant live tweeting his virginity loss on his wedding day to Shane Dawson orchestrating a 15 minute apology video and 10-tweet thread in an attempt to disprove that he sodomized his Siamese cat, these obliviously disconnected "internet celebrities" going out of their way to publicly yet unintentionally humiliate themselves is one of my favorites joys in the world. 

I didn't fuck my cat. I didn't cum on my cat. I didn't put my dick anywhere near my cat. I've never done anything weird with my cats. I promised myself I wasn't going to make apology videos after last years thing so I'm just trying to be as short and honest with this as possible. (1/?)

But the now-deleted tweet from the likes of Lil Huddy left me so mesmerized and flummoxed that I didn't even know how to attempt to go about enjoying or hating it. I was googling “early onset dementia symptoms” by the fourth stanza. 

I honestly can't tell if this is really fucking embarrassing or really fucking cool, but I know it's hilarious. I've never seen a nonfictional Notes App statement that had 15 different supporting characters. It reads like a rough draft from Dan Schneider’s composition notebook or the plot of a reality show that you can only purchase from the Silk Road and watch on a combusting flash drive. Everything is fascinatingly perplex. The names of the teens. The sheer amount of inter-relationship kissing and crosskissing between them. Kio. The dramatic use of the enter key. I had to break it down. Well, no I absolutely didn’t, but 

"Since all my drama has to be put on the internet for the world to judge me, let’s lay out everyone else’s”

An undeniably powerful introduction. The irrational response and diabolical logic that can only be attributed to the Durdenesque mind of a stone-cold agent of chaos like Heinrich Hudson IV. 

"Anthony got with Cynthia a week after we broke up on tour"

Hmmm. So this was kind of underwhelming. Nothing damning here on anyone's end. In fact, this Anthony guy actually sounds like a real straight shooter. 

He looks like a gay school shooter, but still, it seems like he’s a solid dude who respects his boys enough to wait a week before pouncing. You have to imagine those seven days felt like an eternity for him. What I am morbidly amused by, however, is Little Hudson's claim that he was “on tour.”

He doesn't sing or play an instrument. He doesn't do stand up comedy or impressions or motivational speaking or magic or ventriloquism. He doesn't perform things or even stuff in any way at all. And he still went on a transcontinental tour and made your annual story in the three hours he spent posing for pictures at Gila River Arena with the ASU Class of ‘32. That’s why we stan.

“Jaden actively tried to hook up with Dixie at our house on the 4th of July in front of me while she was dating Griffin.”

What an absurdly funny sentence. Especially when you consider that an extremely grown and professional figure of some sort likely played a role in crafting it for him. 

Lil Huddy's 46-year-old manager: Looks good, Huddy. Why don't you just throw an adverb like "actively" in there to really emphasize Jaden's egregious behavior toward Dixie?

LH: Wats that mean

Manager: Actively or egregious?

LH: Adverb 

But imagine the undropped balls on this Jaden guy though. Just actively trying to get with Charli's sister Dixie, who's also dating Griffin, right in front of Chase, who dated Dixie's sister??? 

My God. Take a look at this lad. I feel like your hand would bleed if you tried to touch his face. I've never seen a human body part so narrow and sharp. His dermatologist probably has stigmatas. You could dissect a worm with his head. You could eat an entire bowl of summer corn chowder out of one of his cheeks. A geometrical wonder. A lawless deviant. 

“Griffin cheated on Dixie with Tayler’s ex Kaylyn and Bryce’s ex Elle”

Oooof. I‘d hate to put all Griffins in a box, unless it's an airtight storage box in a Malaysian sweatshop, but you only give your offspring that name with the fundamental understanding that he will be the worst person in his class, from kindergarten through his 6th year at Florida State, by a fairly wide margin. 

As much as I’d love for Mr. Gluck to be the flagrant double cheater in this scenario, the perpetrator in question is actually the cross-eared cunt to his west. And I use that term in the most endearing and Australian way possible because I'm afraid of what he's capable of doing to me.

With a name that translates to Mythical Penis and a face that transcends “punchable,” leave it to Griffin Johnson to double down on doing Dr. D'Amelio's daughter Dixie dirty. 

"Bryce's ex Elle"

I'd be remiss not to mention that I'm actually friends with this kiddo. There’s an overt generational gap between us, but we’re pals nonetheless. 

“Jaden and Josh cheated endless amounts of times on Mads and Nessa for the past few months.”

Like it or not, cheating on your significant other an infinite amount of times in a very short and finite time span is objectively impressive. But doing it to Mads and Nessa? The Ashlee and Jessica Simpson of lip-syncing? These fellas belong on the back of a milk carton.
 

"Kio cheated on Olivia"

Perhaps my favorite paragraph of the entire saga. Simple, straightforward, poignant. It says so little yet so much. The Breaking Bad “Fly” episode of tertiary TikTok gossip. I’ve never been so sure of someone’s guilt as I am with Kio's. Get fucked, Kio. 

And finally, I forced Nick at finger point to create a graphic to make all this crazy drama a lot easier to follow.