Theo Epstein Is So Fucking Money From 50 Yards And You Don't Even Know It

Get your shitty Cody Parkey jokes out of the way because all focus and attention needs to be on Theo Epstein drilling 50+ right now. I know he's the leader of the free world and has balls the size of your head and all that, but did you know he's the best kicker in Chicago? That he plays a natural draw to neutralize Lake Michigan wind effect? That he could probably single handedly negotiate a fair and balanced solution to the MLB shitshow in about 6 minutes? All of this is true and all of it is further evidence that it's totally normal for me to continue my decades long obsession with a Baseball Nerd. 

Elsewhere I'll be on some kind of field tomorrow gunning for 51. I treat Theo like an older brother and under no circumstance can we have him walking around with his dick hanging around over 50 yards. I have a complex and I'll be damned if I'm not out there tomorrow scratching the ever god loving shit out of it.