Lulullemon Makes Anti-Ball Crushing Pants? Need A Pair Now.

(Newser) – After offending some of its female customers, Lululemon has begun branching out into menswear. Or as CBC News plainly puts it, the Canadian company has “shifted its focus from butts to balls.” For the past eight months, Lululemon has been marketing “anti-ball crushing” pants for men, made of “sweat-wicking Warpstreme fabric,” as specifically designed to give “you and the family jewels room to breathe.” And men are buying into the sales pitch: After a 5% gain in Q2 and 11% growth in Q3, men’s same-store sales spiked 16% last quarter, Bloomberg reports. In a conference call, CEO Laurent Potdevin said the $128 “ABC” pants were a big factor in the upswing. Unfortunately, Yahoo reports that many sizes and colors are now sold out.

I don’t know how long these pants have been in existence but I need to get a pair asap. I’m long ball Larry and now that I’m aware “ABC” (great abbreviation) pants exist I feel like I’m playing with fire in anything else. Not that I’ve ever really crushed my balls just walking around, or sat on them, or anything like that. But I’ve never been in a car accident and I still drive a car with air bags. Never been in a plane crash but still wear my seat belt (even though I’m convinced all that will do in the event of a crash is cut me in half). It’s just taking the proper precautions. I don’t know about you guys but I’m not very comfortable walking around in pro-ball crushing pants when I’m aware that ABC pants have ben invented. I probably have them romanticized in my head already but I’m imagining they feel like your nuts are gently being cupped all day and anyone who’s ever had that particular pair of briefs that hug you just right know it changes your entire day. Impossible to be in a bad mood with that kind of action going on, it’s like a lovely little ball massage from your pants the entire day. Can’t beat it.