Tortoise Gets Cockblocked By A Nature TV Host, Chases Him Forever To Get Some Revenge

Nat Geo – In this video from a Pristine Seas expedition to the Seychelles, under way now, expedition leader Paul Rose stumbles upon mating giant tortoises on Assumption Island. The angry male pursues Rose and a cameraman … very slowly.

I don’t know if I’m just biased towards this guy because of the Ninja Turtles being one of my 10 most important male influences growing up but I REALLY felt like that tortoise was poignantly expressing his emotions in a way I wasn’t expecting. When the tortoise figures out he and his special lady are being watched and veryyyyyyy slowly turns towards the camera crew angrily, the drama was absolutely tremendous. Oscar caliber emoting here imho:

And if this isn’t a “Are you motherfuckers kidding me I’m just tryna get my dick wet” face then honestly I don’t even feel like I know tortoises:

Some straight up Sean Penn smashing a paparazzi’s camera shit there. I don’t normally root for animals to eat humans or for others to have more successful sex lives than I do but I want nothing but the best for this guy. Just dropping turtle loads all over the place and cherishing every minute; he deserves it after being put through something as traumatic as this. Being cockblocked is awful but being cockblocked on video and then mocked for five minutes while you try to get revenge on that smug asshole? And he didn’t even catch the guy and teach him a lesson? Total nightmare scenario regardless of kingdom or phylum. #istandwithtortoise

Real talk though if I were a turtle I’d give up on the mating game and just find myself a nice pair of kicks to make love to instead. Shell pussy must be overrated as hell if a pair of shitty New Balances can bring on ecstasy like this: