I Just Microwaved Pizza Lunchables For The First Time And See The World In A Whole New Light

For the most part, this past weekend sucked in Philadelphia between the Flyers getting spanked around and Jeremy Maclin hopping on the next flight to reunite with Kacie McDonnell in Kansas City. However, I got into an argument over Pizza Lunchables with a couple of the very few friends that I have about whether or not you heat them up or eat them right out of the box. Now before this moment, I didn’t even realize there was any other way to eat Pizza Lunchables. I’ve been going straight from the box my entire life and just figured you’d have to be an asshole to try to add any extra steps between purchasing your Lunchables and consuming your Lunchables. But in the name of journalism, I decided to give it a try today so I headed over to the nearest Wawa to do the damn thing.

$3.69 for Lunchables? Seems pretty steep. Guess we have Obama to thank for that. But you get 3 pizzas, a bite size Nestle Crunch bar and a fruit punch Capri Sun so that’s some decent bang for your buck. Still though, I hope Smitty lets me write these off as a business expense.

Now here’s the thing. Regardless of how you eat your Lunchables (heated or not), the most important thing is that you prepare each pizza with love and care. If you just make your pizza like a savage, it’s obviously going to suck either way. So here’s my best attempt to put Bobby Flay on notice.

Even sauce to crust ratio. A nice spreading of the cheese, add the peps and you’re golden, Pony Boy. So now on to the moment of truth…

(Made sure I got 2 boxes so I could compare and contrast between microwaved and not-microwaved. Also, so I could get 2 Capri Suns and 2 Nestle Crunch bars.) 

Let me just start off by saying, WOW. I was crazy skeptical heading into this little experiment. I thought for sure this was going to be a great opportunity to claim myself as #TeamNotMicrowaved and do my best to expose everyone on #TeamMicrowaves as a bag of dicks. I thought that since the pizza would lose a bit of its firmness in the microwave, it would render the entire thing useless. But boy was I wrong. Those were probably the most luxurious Lunchables I’ve ever consumed in my entire life. I felt like I was living large. Like I was on top of the world looking down upon everyone else. Now don’t get me wrong, I still love cold Lunchables Pizza. But in a world where everything is broken down into “I like X, and Y is for poor people”, I have to admit that eating Lunchables Pizza cold out of the box is some straight up peasant shit. So if you were like me and spent your whole life so far without microwaving/toasting your Lunchables Pizza, I highly recommend changing that pretty ASAP.