A Porn Site Is Willing To Pay Joe Buck $1 Million To Announce Cam Shows, But Who Would Be The BEST At Play-By-Play Pornography?

1. Gus Johnson

Porn is exciting. It's a big moment of your day. The pageantry, the atmosphere, the stars are out, I can't think of anyone who would be able to make this moment that much bigger than Gus Johnson. Like just picture Ava Devine's asshole falling right out of her body and instead of quitting, putting it right back in and powering through, Gus going bananas all the while. If this is the big change society receives in exchange for months of quarantine I'd argue we won in the long run. 

2. Mike Breen

Professional scene setter, knows when to let the moment breathe, and at the climax? BANG! A perfect fit. 

3. Kevin Harlan

A consummate professional and also a man who lives for the outrageous. Whether it's a cat running on the field, a beer spilling all over the place, or a bukkake gang bang, there aren't many better suited for this transition. 

4. Jon Gruden

See attached photo.

Enough said.

5. Bill Raftery

Get him and Jim Nantz on the call together and it already has that big game, March Madness feel. 

6. Reggie Miller

Typically I hate Reggie calling basketball games, but I think this is a case of simply being miscast. No one can break down a choke job like Reggie Miller. I think he could thrive in this role.

7. Vin Scully

Not my first choice by any means but I wouldn't mind hearing stories about 1920s porn with hand-operated vibrators while the actors transition from oral sex to doggy style. Not enough random asides and diatribes in modern porn I've been saying that for years. 

8. Brent Musburger 

This man nearly fainted every single time they showed a moderately attractive woman in the stands, I can't imagine what he'd do in this scenario. He'd either dominate or hyperventilate and keel over. More than willing to find out.

9. Al Michaels

No one has been breaking down the spread longer than Michaels. 

10. Booger

BOOGER: There's a new way of thinking in sexual intercourse. Men can eat a little brown eye.

TESS: You mean the anal cavity traditionally reserved for defecation? 

BOOGER: The very same. Used to be, it was unimaginable for a man to put his tongue on his partner's balloon knot. But times change, and so does pornography.