Power Ranking Dad Jokes
KFC woke us up on Sunday with one of the more classic "dad joke" lines you'll hear year in and year out.
Oh the joy that that simple exchange of one vowel for another brings to thousands, if not millions, of dads everywhere this time of year. You know how much it means to them so you give your best chuckle and look down at your phone hoping they don't go on with another one.
The 17-year-old in you wants to scoff and give a hardy "shut the FUCK up, dad", but you've grown up since then.
But it got me thinking yesterday while I was celebrating by smashing hard broiled eggs together for some reason, what would a power ranking of these jokes look like?
Here's mine:
1. "Hi _____, I'm Dad"
"Dad, I'm tired" or "Dad, I'm hungry", and "Dad, I'm thirsty" always warrants this simple yet effective response to make the kid throw just enough of a fit to get a laugh but not enough of one for mom to get pissed. You're in real trouble though when the kid is too tired and just sprawls out over the ground when you hit them with that response. All hell is breaking loose.
2. "See You Next Year"
An all-time classic. It's December 29th and you've just finished your weird late family Christmas with the side you only see once a year and it's this. You tell him your plans for New Years and that's when he drops the bomb on you.
"Alright then guys I'll see you next year".
The reason this one grabs a top spot is because for reasons you can't explain every year it still gets you - if even for a few seconds. Wait, what? Next yea- ohhhh ok dad jeeeez as you shut the door and your wife / girlfriend tells you how annoying your pops is. Included in this is on the other side as well when you come over on New Year's Day or the weekend after "Feel like it's been a year since I've seen you."
3. "Wanna Be Something Scary Go As Yourself"
What an absolute slam on Halloween. There's always a weird satisfaction they get out of destroying a kid, but this one always hits big around a group of other dads. Don't ask your pops about a Halloween costume at all but definitely not when he's in a garage full of other dads. A full-on roast is about to go down and you're the subject.
4. Those Must Be Your Church Jeans
Nothing dads love more than eviscerating their teenage sons. If you ever went through a douchey teenage fashion stage you inevitably had a pair of jeans with a hole or two in them. And when you did your dad was Jack Nicholson gif nodding while you walked his way so he could hit you with this one. Why? Because they're holy.
5. Hoppy Easter
We'll finish where we started with an real necessity in the dad joke package. This is drafting the third running back in your fantasy draft so you can have depth plus options at the flex position. You just have to have it in the arsenal. It's so simple, so clean, some people might not even notice it if you didn't really emphasize it, but who are we kidding? You're over-emphasizing it to get just enough of a laugh to do a finger gun at your nephew and head for the mimosas.