Don't Watch This Video If You're Terrified Of How Fast COVID-19 Spreads

Or if you're terrified of big data collection, also maybe not the video for you. Lots of red flags going around here so get in line. 

First off, Spring Breakers. There isn't much to insult that hasn't already been said. You're more likely to lick a stranger's asshole than wear sunscreen much less hand sanitizer. I know we say the elderly are the first to go amidst this crisis but really we should target all the GPS signals from the spring break beaches over the last month and put them in a toilet paper manufacturing labor camp. Maybe siphon off the bottom 10% for vaccine testing. 

Next up, Data Guys. It's extremely creepy that you can run this analysis. Stop jerking off and do some good in this world for once. You can't tell me technology like this exists for any other reason than one of you experienced a bad breakup and needed access to geocentric coordinates at all times to appropriately rebound. When I went to college we called that being Pussy Whipped. There's no college anymore so I want that on record. 

Finally, COVID-19. I submit. We all do. If the unrelenting body count isn't enough, you're literally scaring all the babes away including the 2020 college football season.  I'm running out of ways to describe how much I fucking hate you and it's exhausting. If only there was a poorly executed mashed up celebrity sing-along to get me through this rough patch. 

In all seriousness though I've gone crazy. Wellness checks can be performed at carl@barstoolsports.com. Thank you for your advance in support.