NSFW: Roundup Of This Week's Top 5 Worst Coronavirus Videos On PornHub

REMINDER - NSFW. 

I thought I was done with this particular blog genre but then I saw this tweet and it sucked me right back in:

David, I think I know why. So here we go.

1. 'OL PAPER-TOWEL-ASS HEAD ASS

Open scene: Woman with ass like two oversized Geography-class globes stuffed inside a small, elastic bag washes dishes alone. She scratches said ass & manages to create cavernous wedgie even though she's wearing a dress. She turns off sink & uses her ass as paper towel to dry hands, as one does.

::Enter clearly older guy pretending to be younger guy who - like his stepmother - says his lines like a slow-motion robot::

Stepmom: "Oh hey honey, you're home early from school!"

Stepson: "Yes, the sent us home early for Coronavirus."

::Both turn and faces are covered by medical masks::

The ensuing conversation lets viewers know the poor Dad in this situation is stuck IN ITALY!!!!! THE WORST PLACE TO BE!!! 

But they quickly get over that as she proceeds to help him wash his hands like they're in Ghost, and then directs him to use her mammoth hams to dry them with this Academy Award worthy line:

"No paper towels, we don't have any paper towels and we're out of toilet paper… so you have to use… my ass to dry your hands…"

As I'm sure you can imagine, the hand drying gets a little excessive and next thing ya know it's Ass Eatn SZN right there by the sink. Maybe I'm a prude butt I'd be more worried about that than Coronavirus. 

Btw, in the end she says, "I hope your dad never comes back from Italy." COLD BLOODED.

My favorite comments:

2. WOKE DICK MOUNTAIN

Stick with me on the description of this one. It's a journey.

My favorite couple from the first edition of this blog is back and they're ready to shoot more virus knowledge all over our minds. 

Her: Bye honey, I'm going to the mall with some friends!

Chase Poundher: WAIT! Why are you going out right now when you don't have to with all these Coronavirus COVID-19 cases in the US?! 

Her: The CDC said, 'As of March 3rd there's only 60 cases in the US and Trump said that the current growth of COVID-19 in America is going substantially down and not up. So there's nothing to worry about. 

Poundher: WRONG! You are so wrong right now. Let me tell you the REAL situation here in the US right now. USA started quarantining high risk individuals who have recently traveled to Wuhan, China or had a direct link to the Diamond Princess Cruise Ship. Now the CDC takes over two days right now to give you a test result for positive or negative for COVID-19. So they sent us a bunch of test kits so we can speed up this process. Herein lies the problem… you see these tests had a manufacturing defect we didn't know about, and neither did they. Our testing criteria was if you got a negative result and then 24 hours later got a another negative result you're good to go, you don't have it and you're free. 

[Yes you guys, he is still talking…. She has her arms crossed by the kitchen island swaying back & forth.]

Poundher still: Now we can also send a sample to the CDC for the longer testing. Now the CDC got back to us and said, 'Hey! A lot of these people were actually positive for COVID-19. One lady who was released in San Antonio, Texas during this time was in a public mall for over two hours during this period of time! Who knows where she spread this! Now we still have faulty tests and we have NO idea how many people are actually infected here. It's easy to say you have low numbers when you aren't testing anyone. Here in Las Vegas we're probably swarming with infection. 

[Not wrong on that last sentence there. And yes… he is still going.]

Poundher… still: Jennifer Sizemore, the spokesperson for the Southern Nevada health district said, 'CDC is sending new kits. We have not received ours and we are not testing yet'. 

::HE BREAKS 3RD WALL AND TURNS DIRECTLY TO CAMERA! HE'S SPEAKING TO ~ US ~ NOW! HE'S FURIOUS!::

Poundher to us: FACT CHECK ME PEOPLE. IT'S THE TRUTH.

Poundher to her: No wonder we don't have any cases in Nevada yet. You can't FIND what you aren't LOOKING for. 

Her, now a changed person after hearing his knowledge: Wow, I can't believe all the mistakes they're making during such a critical time. I feel like we have to catch this early before it's too hard to tame. So what do we do?

Poundher: Not go to the mall for one. Now there's no need to panic. We're still ok. But it's smart to take some basic action even when the CDC, the World Health Organization, and our own US government are all being STUPID as FUCK right now. We should all be voluntarily self quarantined as much as possible right now. 

[I literally can't transcribe this anymore. Just know at this point he begins to lay out his long-winded plan for how we can squash the disease.] 

::Midway through his ramble she starts lifting up her skirt. He is still going on about virus safety measures as she whips her boobs out & flings her underwear. He's unfazed & seems not to notice. He needs to inform the public::

Her, cutting him off: Ok, ok, ok! I won't go to the mall. But then I better be getting fucked at least!

Poundher, in a surprise & necessary twist: I'm not fucking you! We just fucked a couple minutes ago!

Her, now just totally naked when the camera pans back to her: I'm bored! Please fuck me! I need It right now!

Poundher, asking this even though he was looking right at her the whole time: How did you get naked so fast? That takes mad skills. What the fuck? Goddamnit. Get the fuck in the bedroom! God I hate you!

::cue sex, finally::

Again, I highlighted this couple's other coronavirus video in my last blog and what I love so much about it is that I believe Mr. Poundher truly believes he's not just doing porn. He's doing a public service and teaching us something important. 

And I guess he's right, people really got a lot of good takeaways from it. 

Here's a quick recap of their last video if your eyes aren't bleeding from reading all this yet.

3. EURO-PEEIN' QUARANTINE GOOFIN

Where do I even begin… 

I believe this takes place in Italy, which seems uh… just a liiiiiittle bit tone-deaf right now. 

Scene 1:

So.. Two naked women in jogging shoes come sprinting down a bike path as a naked man in boots with sweatbands on his wrists chases them. When they get to the camera the women say "Ciao!" and the man gets in the camera lens, throws up the rock & roll hand sign and shouts, "FUCK YEAHHHHH!"

Clearly this trio is about to do some serious Coronavirus goofin'. At this point I'm thinking, "They're gonna be doing things like.. naked ding-dong-ditch type stuff I guess?"

Scene 2:

The women stand on top of a car next to a major highway and flash their boobs to truckers. Only one truck honks but they seem super pumped about the whole ordeal like they're doing something soooo naughty. 

Scene 3:  

As this one begins the naked boots man is recording from behind the wheel of a tiny European car. He says, "This one will be amazing."

I brace myself as he brakes & one of the women gets on the hood of the car in nothing but a bra & Converse sneakers. Slowly he begins to accelerate. I'm thinking, "Eh, ok, naked car surfing?"

But I was wrong. 

All of a sudden as she hunches over the windshield she relieves herself, and she really had to go. The man cackles as he turns on the windshield and screams, 

"FUCKING INCREDIBLE! HA HAAAA, GREAT WORK SEESTER!" 

Urines is flying everywhere.

When she gets back in the car she seems bummed and says, "I was peesing on myself." 

And he says, "Awesome ha haaa". 

I didn't go any further but can only assume it was worse from there. Reflecting on this I decided to take a selfie where I really ruminated on how this one made me feel about humankind. (And pardon the vibe. I live alone and have been on isolation for a hot minute, which I think made the video even more awful for me somehow): 

As for the comments, I don't know Italian but I can still figure out what his favorite scene was:

4. CORONA COLLUSION!!!

Right off the bat, questionable arm placement in the thumbnail.

There is intense hearth-thumping music as the man takes his armpit temp. He's got a fever. He sorts through his medicine on the kitchen table but it's not good enough. He slaps it all to the floor and calls an ambulance even though he's still well enough to enjoy freshly sliced bread and coffee.

When 'the ambulance' arrives he hears a medic enter and wonders what's taking so long. Turns out the medics are actually just one woman who calls out that she's taking off her shoes, as medics are wont to do in emergencies. She then enters without a mask on & what looks like a hermit crab cage full of bandaids. 

She looks him up & and down & sees a huuuuge problem.

Her: Why is your leg so swollen?

::pans down to his leg where a 4 foot anaconda appears to be sliding down one side of his jeans::

Him: Must be new symptom of coronavirus 

WINK, WINK

Her: I think I can help 

::tears off medical robe to reveal spicy lingerie::

Him in the stupidest most cartoon sounding voice ever: OooOOoOOoOOOoOOoOooooo!

He then pulls a suuuper ridiculous 4 footer fake dong out from the zipper hole and wags it around. Yes, she knows how to cure this. (?????) 

Why is this my number two? A comment in the comment section from the creator herself. 

Again I say to you:

5. C#NTAGION

You work this hard on the plot line, props & scenery you make the list.

Scene:

Woman in short skirt, tall boots wanders down a desert road in the middle of nowhere.

Her on phone: I'm like so over this quarantine bullshit. I'm not staying in my house any longe so I'm just trying to find somewhere to go at this point but it's pretty deserted out here. 

(uh, yes, surprise, you walked into the desert.)

Her with zero emotion even though I think she's supposed to sound scared here: Hold on, I gotta go. I hear someone. Oh shit… Shit.

::Open top military hummer pulls up with flashing lights & man in bright white hazmat suit with flak jacket & all sorts of other unnecessary military gear strapped over it::

Him, extremely muffled through all the shit he's got on: You're in a restricted area. You're not supposed to be leaving the quarantine area.

::He handcuffs her on hood of Hummer::

Her: Come on, dude.

::They argue as he lifts her into backseat of Hummer, he calls over radio to HQ to let them know he's got someone::

Him to HQ: What do you want me to do with her? …..

Him to her after listening to HQ response: They want me to terminate you.

Her: Terminate me?! What does that mean?

All of us rolling our eyes at that question:

From there you know the rest, and he totally comprises all that protective sealing in the process. 

I scrolled through it all because my brain is complete mush at this point, but at the end she says, "I really hope I'm not infected, lol". And then they both lol. And then it ends.

LOL!

Welp that's it. Glad I took the time to do that again today ha ha One more for the road.

If you want to torture yourself with my last list click HERE. Obviously it's also NSFW.

And welcome back to all the commenters. I picture it like a video where someone opens a fence gate and a ton of super excited golden retrievers come tearing through, tails wagging. Kudos to the legit funny ones who make it more interesting & fun. Sad sigh to the harassers who think they're cutting edge (tough when you stay anonymous, folks) but are just broadcasting that they don't know how to be normal around women for a wiiiiiide, endless array of reasons. Holding out hope u learn to be normal.  : ) Ok, go to town ya weirdos.