Deadspin Instructs 1 Million+ Followers To Break Quarantine And Social Distancing Safety Guidelines To Go To "The Game, The Courts, The Gym" — All Just To Sell Some T-Shirts

Ok well thanks doctors and Big Government for locking me up in this fucking apartment for 12 days now. Thanks Cuomo for your PAUSE plan or whatever the fuck you called the shelter in place mandate. Going crazy in isolation over here getting conflicting messages from all over the place while my Penn stock plummets — and apparently they were all wrong. As a lifelong Deadspin fan I know one thing for sure: whatever they say is Good and Correct. Whatever they say is Moral. Not only that, but if you do the opposite? Ohhh man. Oh man. See you burning to death in hell you fucking piece of dumpster trash shit. But not before we smugly condescend the shit out of you and blast you with so many self-righteous arrogant Blue Checkmarks on Twitter you'll be begging to be finished off. 

Soooo yeah...goes without saying that if Deadspin tells me to head to The Big Game, I'm going to the Big Game. I'm going to the courts and the gym. As long as I have my supersoft cotton shirt that is also ultra-light and breathable? I can only assume it's what they make Hazmat suits out of. Let's see if Coronavirus wants to fuck with that. I mean I heard COVID-19? HUGE MAGA virus. Cannot WAIT to smugly thumb my nose in its face while socially mingling with as many people at the game, court or gym as possible. Gonna give a grandpa a fucking bearhug right in its dumb uneducated public school virus pandemic face.

Stay home, stay safe, save lives — shop from the comfort of your coronavirus-free couch.