How To Survive A Trip To The Grocery Store During An International Pandemic
There's panic in the streets. Our day of reckoning has finally come in the form of the 19th strain of the 'rona. We haven't reached the looting and flipping cars stage of mass panic but it's certainly on the horizon. What we have reached is the "avoid public crowds while we all simultaneously rush to the grocery store" portion of mass hysteria. Lysol wipes? Out of stock. Purell? Buddy,,, Toilet paper? Flying off the shelves for reasons that aren't entirely clear outside of them being non-perishable.
Yesterday I made my pilgrimage to the local grocer and saw humanity at its best. Well, only one guy fit that criteria - the man in front of me in the checkout line, wearing latex gloves and a surgical mask, had the following items and ONLY the following items: five bags of Lays baked potato chips in both cheddar and bbq flavors, one 20 oz bottle of Coca-Cola, one 20 oz bottle of 7up, on pouch of tuna fish, and several bottles of maple syrup. Zigging while the entire planet is zagging is a sure fire way to survive 'Rona Mania. But not everyone has the smarts and intellect of this man. Which is where I come in to help YOU as you brave the elements and try to stock up in these mob infested stores across the country.
1. Make loud noises
Loud noises can spook people and clear a path for you to more easily navigate the aisles and obtain the products you need during a quarantine. Don't be afraid to use an airhorn, a foghorn, a regular horn, a vuvuzela you purchased during two World Cups ago that's been collecting dust in your basement. Get creative with it.
2. Make yourself appear as big as possible
The bigger you are the more important and intimidating you appear to the other customers in the store. Don't be afraid to go with a partner to put on your shoulders while draping a trench coat over your bodies to look like one super human. Use two shopping carts to completely dominate the aisles, not allowing anyone to get around you. Wear boots for both the lift in height and also for another reason we'll touch on later.
3. Do NOT climb a tree
Feels like I shouldn't even have to say this, should be rather obvious but under no circumstances should you climb a tree. Maybe once all this coronavirus nonsense ends you can resume activities such as this but not now. There is minimal food and nearly no toilet paper atop your average tree. Plus a bear could see you up there and then what are you gonna do?
4. Fight back
Tensions are at an all time high. The stock market is crashing. Folks are scared. We're nearing a breaking point. If someone steps to you, you step right back. This is where we revisit the "wear boots' portion of #2. You gonna stomp someone out in flip flops? Hardly. Now, aim for the snout - like a shark or a bear. Most of the time the fight will be over the second the other person realizes you're really about that survival action and they are not.
5. Assume the fetal position
Just curl up into a ball, cover the back of your neck, and weep uncontrollably. The end of days is nigh. We're fucked. No amount of calls to the doctors by your mother is going to save you now. Society will crumble and we're transitioning to a new age. Everything is terrifying. There are no sports. There is no Purell. There is no hope.
And that should just about do it do it! You're welcome and best of luck out there.