Spring Break Tips From Spring Break Legends

People are always asking me questions like “Why don’t you use Instagram more often?” or “Why haven’t you posted a picture since 2015?” or “Why?” 

The boring answer is that, when it comes to potential partners, I’ve found that the air of mystery is much more appealing and effective than the reality of what I actually am now. But the more sentimental answer is that I peaked during Spring Break 2015, and I’d be doing my legacy a disservice by burying it under heaps of less important photos and refusing to immortalize it at the top of my page.

I understand this isn’t anything unusual or special. Spring break is the pinnacle of pretty much every decent man's life. Hell, I always said I’d name my first born Panama, be it a man or a woman. Frankly, Panama Bauer just rolls off the tongue. But the point I’m trying to make is that if you’re a college kid reading this, you CANNOT take your Spring Break experience for granted this year. And I'm here to help. So, let’s revisit one of my favorite online posts of all time from the r/Frat subreddit. 

As much as I love these tips, I couldn't help but feel like the author kinnnnd of overestimated the skills and sexual value of the average r/Frat member. Luckily for you, I'm going to jump in to provide additional insight for the more common men out there.

TIP #1

Is this guy the Greek god of cumming? Rhetorical question. Not only did this Trojan horse subterfuge his Reddit audience by suggesting they'd need to bring an overabundance of condoms to spring break, but also that they'd exhaust that entire inventory and need to restock in a span of just 2-5 days? I can't even begin to fathom blasting off into latex that frequently. His omnipotent advice just isn't generalizable to the common man. 

First off, no one in the history of dudes and fellas has ever underestimated the amount of times they'd fuck on a trip or vacation. And if someone did, he almost certainly wasn't an active message board user. Secondly, I can promise you that not everyone is "getting down" on spring break. Not only was I failing to get up, but I didn't lay with a single woman for the entirety of my senior excursion. Not even platonically. I was too busy posting pictures and coordinating chants for Snapchat so I could sustain the facade that I was some type of five-foot-seven stallion. 

Do: Bring a conservative amount of condoms

I get that not everyone has the POG of 21-year-old me, but it's quality over quantity with this one. I always made sure to pack my 3 lucky Glyde Wildberry vanilla-flavored condoms, and I never forgot to leave without them.

TIP #2

Six chapters of girls. That’s over 80 pages of Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets worth of broads at a single flagpole. JK Rowling couldn't script a scene that magical. On a small, densely populated area of the beach that’s teeming with other flagpoles, that’s almost impossible to fathom. 

Sure, studs like me were able to accomplish that feat. But not everyone has the ability to woo an entire party of predominantly girls by dizzy smashing a beer can all the way to Pensacola. 

Do: Pay a frat flag cover fee

Luring six chapters worth of talent to your flagpole is a move that only the most alpha Kappa Alphas can pull off. And you know what they say: If you can’t beat them, offer them money to join them. Approach the friendliest looking co-host of the flagship (he’s usually helping a girl vomit and obtaining her number for medical emergency purposes) and offer him $20+ to stand with his brotherhood. Don’t try to be sly and sneak into their outdoor bash either. I can’t think of a more embarrassing scenario than getting WDYKH’d and kicked out of an unofficially claimed section of a public beach.

TIP #3

I don’t know if this is an anal bead innuendo or if he’s talking about beads that are worn around the neck. Either way, I'll confidently co-sign that sentiment. 

Assuming the latter, and that he’s referring to using said beads to coerce an excessive amount of women to expose their bare breasts, then that’s just unrealistic for mid-tier men like you guys.

Do: Put something more valuable and intimidating around your neck

Nothing screams raw masculinity and cocksmanship like donning one of the most dangerous reptiles in the world around your veiny neck. As you can see by my other accessories, needing beads to score breasts was the least of my worries. However, you aren't me, so....

Do: Bring money to buy girls drinks. A lot of money. You’ll run out.

If you’re a mediocre dude and your batting average is somewhere in the .250 range, that means it’ll take four swings at buying girls drinks to get one hit. Assuming the broad requires at least three drinks before she finally says “fuck it” and entertains your repulsive presence, then that’s a total of 12 drinks you’ll have to be prepared to buy. If my math is correct, you’re looking at approximately $120 per day on Hail Mary cocktails and half court shots alone.

TIP #4

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL FUCKINGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGG YEAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

TIP #5

“Getting in good” with girls by wearing the same apparel as them is a move that requires Bundyesque charm and elite natural swagger.

Do: Wear designer letters when you go out.

I’m talking about expensive brands like Gucci, fellas. Those infamous interlocking Gs will get you closer to the G spot than any Greek triangles or sideways Ms.

TIP #6

I fucking love this piece of advice. No matter how you spin it, there’s just no denying that the human body is capable of consuming more alcohol in a 24 hour period than a fraction of a 24 hour period. But 30 drinks per day? Fuhhhhgedddabouttt. Lol. 

Do: Trick people into thinking you're binge drinking.

Use a little "magic" and fill that empty bottle of 99 Apples up with tap water. Trust me, nothing gets broads going like a man who can effortlessly chug a syrupy, fruit-flavored liquor.