The CDC Has A Ridiculously Thorough Chart To Explain If Your Facial Hair Will Prevent You From Correctly Wearing A Mask During A Coronavirus Outbreak. Will You Be OK?
As someone that just became a beard guy, I have to say I can't believe it took me this long to embrace the Beard Life. My beard keeps me warm, hides my extra chin(s), and makes me feel distinguished around the baby-faced riff raff I encounter on a daily basis. honestly don't know what I will pick if I am forced to choose between my beard and my life.
Luckily this CDC chart from 2017 is going viral again due to the latest viral trend (get it?) and allows you to reshape your facial hair to a style that will allow you to be both fashionable and alive during whatever outbreaks my occur, even though being Clean Shaven still makes you look like you have Homer Simpson's beard.
Now being a pretty new beard guy, I had no clue there were so many different types of mustaches and beards in this world. I thought you had a regular mustache, fancy Rollie Fingers mustache, regular beard, extra bushy beard, Sean McVay fancy short beard, goatee, and that's about it.
However, the CDC went deeeeeep into the facial hair game to let us know what will keep you safe and what will put you on a coronavirus watch list. Here is a breakdown of some of the more popular or interesting facial hair types.
Full Beard:
You're full fucked.
Stubble:
You're fucked because you're lazy.
Long Stubble:
You're fucked because you're really lazy.
French Fork:
You're fucked but at least the beard that gave you the coronavirus you has a pretty cool name.
English or Dali:
You're fucked. Also:
Goatee:
Not sure how you brought a goatee into the 2020s, but if you keep it, you sure as hell aren't making it into 2021.
Pretty much, if you have anything that can be considered a beard, you are screwed. Here are a few more examples to make this point.
Garibaldi:
You're gonna die.
Bandholz:
You're gonna die.
Van Dyke:
You're gonna die, either due to the coronavirus or a sword fight.
Duck Tail:
You're gonna die, Woo Ooh!
Huliehee:
You're gonna die. Dibs on being Barstool's new chef!
Mutton Chops:
You're gonna die but damn you are badass.
Luckily, if you are a mustachioed man, you appear to be gucci!
Side Whiskers:
I spent way too much time trying to find whiskers on this asshole's face before realizing they are just sideburns. Regardless, if you have sideburns, you are fine. That is unless you call them Side Whiskers. If that's the case, you are an asshole and I hope you get the coronavirus.
Soul Patch:
You are in the clear but nobody in the universe likes you because every single person with a soul patch is a weirdo.
Toothbrush:
You are good but everybody in the universe is calling you Hitler. Also what kind of ricochet shot is this at toothbrushes, CDC? All they do is make is feel fresh and clean every day and you lump them in with the biggest monster humanity has seen.
Also, never forget:
Villain:
You might be good but honestly if you do anything out of the ordinary to prevent yourself from getting a disease, you don't deserve the honor for having a badass facial hair name like Villain. I also feel like renaming the Toothbrush to the Villain wouldn't be too much of a stretch.
Pencil:
You are safe but nobody trusts or likes you because you resemble that weasly Maitre'd in Ferris Bueller's Day Off
Younger Stoolies in high school or college have seen Ferris Bueller's Day Off, right? Please tell me that movie hasn't been killed off, no matter how old it is.
Walrus:
I think we know who is winning the next 5 Super Bowls as long as Patrick Mahomes stays facial hair-free.
Painter's Brush And Chevron:
I guess the Womb Broom was a little too PG-13 for the CDC. Anyway, it's nice to know Keith Hernandez will be fine considering Citi Field is likely to be Ground Zero for the US outbreak, which actually makes perfect sense when you think about it.
TL;DR - If you live in Brooklyn, you pretty much are a lock to get the coronavirus. If not, you have a puncher's chance