Mark Zuckerberg Reportedly Has Interns Blow-Dry His Armpits Before Big Speeches

NY POST — It’s not one of Facebook’s better perks.

Communications employees at the social network routinely blow-dry CEO Mark Zuckerberg’s armpits before big speeches, a new book claims.

I fucking love Mark Zuckerberg. It's why I don't care that much every time I learn some new detail of just how exactly he's stealing my brain and selling my life to data miners and spying on me masturbating. I look past all that because the guy just has this way of making me feel so fucking GOOD about myself! 

Like yeah, I'm a little insecure. There are some things I'd like to change about myself, some physical features, some quirks. But overall, on the whole I'm relatively comfortable with myself and who I am. You know, I manage. 

And then I see this guy and the constant anxiety and insecurity he lives with on a daily basis, and I feel even better. More money than God, billions stacked on top of billions, the brain of a supercomputer, the ability to retire whenever he wants and live comfortably and happily wherever he chooses...

This living, breathing cyborg boy-genius who makes more money a day than I will ever see in my life before climbing into his hydroponic chamber and plugging himself in to recharge for the next day...

...This guy gets insecure about sweaty pits in a grey t-shirt. 

The 35-year-old wants to look cool and dry instead of sweaty and nervous, and has assistants make sure his famous grey t-shirts are immaculate before he takes the stage at public events, according to the report.

This guy has a team staging all his photos so he doesn't look 5'7" in pictures.

This guy codes computer programs from scratch to get revenge on little girls who beat him in Scrabble.

This guy sits in a motherfucking BOOSTER SEAT in Congress.

Look how cute!!

So yeah, like I said, I've got my issues. But until I hire a team of interns to personally blow dry my underarms before I go out in public…I'm good fam.