Doctors Are Begging Men To Stop Masturbating With Banana Peels

NY Post - Doctors have warned horny young men to refrain from using banana peels to masturbate — the latest bizarre sex trend circulating on social media. “It’s the closet thing to a blowjob,” wrote one randy Redditor, who claims “he’s been doing it for years.” However, Dr. Diana Gill of prescription service Doctor-4-U cautions against the perverse practice. “You could develop a rash and sores on the penis which can be painful and might lead to infection,” Gill told the Sun. Not only that, but she claims a person with a fruit or latex allergy could be more susceptible to a reaction from a banana skin. “A person with a banana allergy is more likely to be allergic to other substances such as latex or other fruits and vegetables,” she said. “So if you’re allergic to latex condoms you may also be allergic to banana skins.” Gill’s not the only naysayer. One Reddit user recounted a harrowing, cautionary tale where he used a banana skin to masturbate and allegedly ended up “falling in the mess I made, hit my head on the toilet and barely lived to tell the tale.” However, supporters of the organic orgasm inducer feel it’s too good to pass up. Subscribers to JackInWorld, the self-proclaimed “Ultimate Male Masturbation Resource,” gave the “banana man” 4.5 out of 5 stars with 359 votes cast so far. The site also provides a tutorial on how to perform the act and even advised warming the peel for added effect. Commenters seconded these sentiments: “I have used the banana skin technique occasionally for many years (I’m now 78),” said one banana skin supporter. “The bigger the banana the better,” added another. Banana peels aren’t the first unconventional items employed by pleasure-seekers. This past November, gynecologists warned women not to masturbate with electric toothbrushes because it “could cause trauma to the delicate vulval area.” 

You know whats the most surefire way to get me to jerk off into a banana peel?

Tell me not to jerk off into a banana peel.

I never even considered it until the doctors told me not too. Didnt even tell me not to...they are BEGGING me not to. Not "recommending" or "urging." Not even "advising." Straight up begging us to not fuck bananas. The power of reverse psychology. Now it’s starting to make some sense and looks‬ a-peeling. (Wow. Just WOW. Bravo Kevin. Do you guys see that wordplay? Thank God I’m back on the blog. The written word is just my weapon of choice. A-peeling. Fantastic.) Look at that peel. Lookin all floppy and soft. Probably smooth and wet. That peel is asking for it. Sorry peel, don’t dress like that if you don’t want the attention. If you don’t want to get fucked, stick to the Mario Kart track, ok peel? Just hang out with your buddies The Red Shell and the Upside Down Question Mark Boxes because if you come around these parts, you’re gonna get fucked. Stick to monkeys in the zoo because if horny human men find you, you’re getting turned into nature’s fleshlight. It’s gonna be BIG cum for the people who live in the rainforest. Big big cum. Load city. Banana peels and puddles of cum in the Amazon right now.

Being perfectly honest I don’t even quite understand this though. As I write this blog I haven’t read the article yet. So I’m just kinda envisioning what I think goes on. Obviously your dick goes inside the peel as if it was the banana. That much makes sense. The 3 or 4 flaps wrap your dick into a cocoon. But do you just wrap your dick with the peel, and then wrap your hands around the peel and jerk the whole thing off? Like when you jerk off wearing a condom? You ever do that? There are two types of people in this world: those who admit they jerked off wearing a condom and liars. I did it when I just needed to practice condoms. How to open the package, how to roll em on, find out what it feels like, learn how to take em off and how to clean up etc etc. It’s like a dress rehearsal where you put on the costume practice your performance. What I learned was it takes a LONG time to jerk off while wearing a condom, and that it STINKS up the whole joint. The scent of cum and latex is just absolutely gross.

So, reminiscing about those condoms and that smell, that makes me think the smell of cum and banana peel must be VILE. Perhaps a bit more “natural” than the synthetic scent of latex, but I don’t like banana in the first place so I’m definitely not gonna like banana mixed with cum.

Now at this point in the blog, I’d like to update you with where my head is at. Remember the Kramerica episode of Seinfeld? When Kramer is leaning out the window of Jerry’s apartment building with his intern and he says “You know Darren, if you would have told me twenty-five years ago that some day I’d be standing here about to solve the worlds energy problems, I would’ve said you’re crazy… Now let’s push this giant ball of oil out the window.” That’s me. If you woulda told me 5 years ago I’d be back on the blog writing about jerking off with the skin of a member of the plantain family, I’d say you’re crazy. Now let’s read these Internet reviews of men who masturbate with banana peels.

Courtesy of JackinWorld, an entire website and database dedicated to those who love to jerk off:

We start with this cat, who just gives us an overview of how to fuck a banana. Seems pretty clear cut and straight forward. Scares me that he calls his cum "evidence," because that sounds SUPER rapey, but its a blueprint nonetheless. Perhaps this man has been the subject of an episode of SVU, but he's our sherpa. But you might be thinking, KFC, what if this is some 12 yr old idiot who just started masturbating? How can we trust some rookie’s opinion? Well I’m happy you asked. Because we also had a long time member of JackinWorld weigh in. 49 years old and new to the banana peel pussy pocket:

Cue the music...A WHOLE NEW WORRRRRLD! A new fantastic way to fuck! And when you fuck that peel, you start to feel, that now I’m in a whole new world of fruiitttt!

This man has seen the light. A life hack that changed him forever. But maybe you’re saying “KFC, I ain’t trusting no 49 yr old man who cums in 30 seconds.” Maybe you need an even more reliable source. Let me introduce you to this next guy. Aveteran of crackin stick. An OG original wanker. This 78 yr old limey Brit:

I don’t know about you but I am MUCH more sold on fucking a banana now that this grandpa from London tells me it’s all good. Apparently the lubrication is just unparalleled. Side note can you imagine if that was your grandpa? Some sweet girl right now is probably like “mommy I can’t wait to go to Pop Pop’s house!” and as she’s on her way over to their house this old man is getting one last session in with a bunch of bananas. Next time you see grandpa just think, the last thing he may have been doing before you arrived is cum in a banana peel. Maybe not your grandpa, maybe not the nice ones. But the real old, grimy ones? The ones that went to war or suffer from dementia a little bit? The ones that are old pieces of shit like Charlie’s grandpa from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. THAT dirty old bastard fucked bananas. That whole family probably did. Just laid in that one bed all day and night, too lazy to get a job and too horny to do anything other than banana fuck. Anyway, back to JackinWorld...

We got the regular banana fuckers, and then we got the innovators. The mavens. The trailblazers. The guys who don’t just jerk off with a peel. The guys who turn it into something special.

Everybody reading this has stuck their dick in between the couch cushions. But a banana, inside a TP roll, in between your mattress and box spring? The DIY Banana Fucker! What a legend. But how about this cat:

Might as well zap it! You know what’s better than fucking a banana peel? Fucking a warm banana peel. May I maybe suggest heating it up with the Sous Vide? Let’s take our banana fucking into the 21st century.

But let’s not forget there’s a method to this madness.  You can’t just go fucking a banana peel all willy nilly. Just take it from this guy, the Bob Vila of jerking off with bananas:

Easy peasy. Just get out your duct tape, a protractor, an exacto knife, and you’re ready to start fuckin! Maybe you can use rubber cement and connect multiple peels so you can fuck a double banana? The possibilities are endless in the workshop! 

But nobody, and I mean NOBODY, fucks banana peels like this last dude. Not since Doc Brown used banana peels to power the Flux Capacitor in the Delorean has someone been so innovative with the banana peel:

Bad news, girls! You've been replaced! We can go ahead and cancel women altogether. Power of the Pussy has been replaced by the Power of the Peel! All you need is a banana, a hot water bottle, a pillow, some paper towels, some lotion and you'll never have to leave the house. Never have to deal with relationships or drama. Just fuck that banana contraption until your dick is content.

But, Banana Fucker Beware, it’s not all sunshine and rainbows. Just take it from this dude, who STRONGLY recommends you never put your penis inside a peel:

Now come on back to the regular world. Leave Jackin World behind. Come back to reality. Here’s what I’ll tell you: 

Should you jerk off with a banana? No, no you shouldn’t. You should really really not fuck food or anything that might have germs. But...BUT...I’d be naive to think that you guys out there aren’t gonna try this now that the seed has been planted. It’s almost like preaching abstinence to high school kids. That’s extremely naive and idiotic. Better to admit that kids are, in fact, gonna be fucking and so we should instead preach safe sex, right? So I’m not gonna sit here and say “Don’t fuck bananas.” Im gonna say “be safe.” My recommendations would be finding a fresh banana. I know the perfect ripeness of bananas is already a point of contention. Yellow vs brown. Soft vs firm. Maybe mix in some peanut butter. I dunno there’s all sorts of stuff you gotta worry about with bananas. So I’m just gonna say find a yellow banana, slightly brown, NO black spots. Inspect your peel for any insects. Clean up afterwards. Maybe use those wipes that you get when you're eating buffalo wings to scrub it down after. 

Me personally? I HATE bananas in general. I wont eat em, let alone fuck em. No oral sex. No penetration. Not no way, not no how. If you wanna talk about fucking watermelons, get at me, I'll stick my dick in one of those.