I Need To Borrow $600,000 From One Of You To Buy One Of These Defunct Nuclear Warhead Silos In Arizona

A few months back I stumbled upon a Zillow listing of a real, actual out of commission nuclear missile silo for sale to the general public in Arizona.  Like, this cartoon is an actual drawing of what you’d be purchasing if you had $400,000 to drop on such a thing:

 Note: no nuclear warheads actually came with the property

Some lucky bastard bought that thing for $420K and I have no choice but to hate his guts.  Ya know why?  Because he bought it before I so much could even get a return phone call or email from the realtor in charge of selling it so I could fuck with him in blog form.  Like I hope the buyer doesn’t even get laid in it, that’s how much I hate that he beat me to the punch.

But guess what… lucky me!  There are TWO MORE defunct nuclear warhead silos that will be available for sale, one in lovely Oracle AZ and the other in Benson AZ.  Ya know how I know that?  Because the realtor finally emailed me back, that’s how:

Absolutely perfect.  Sounds like I get a head start on most of the other potential buyers.  Only issue is is the 10 day moratorium where this asshole realtor won’t sell it.  But that’s fine, I have a plan.  Just make them an offer they can’t refuse.  I shot the realtor a reply:

Do I have $600K?  Nope.  Do I have $30K+ to drop on a down payment?  Nope, not even close.  I have about $3,500 in liquid cash to my name.  That’s fine though, we’ll cross that bridge when we get to it.  This guy did have a good idea I will look into though:

All I know is I fucking need one of these nuclear missile silos in my pickup line arsenal (excuse my pun) because U of A girls would slip in puddles of their own wetness once I showed them these pictures:

Trying and failing to pick up 21 year old chicks aside, the silos also come fully equipped with urinals.

and a urinal can def come in handy on football Sundays.  Sure ya gotta work your way around a water heater but that’s nbd.  Beats pissing in a standard toilet like a loser.

If our realtor friend accepts my $600,000 offer sight unseen I’ll keep ya’ll posted.  Just know that if I buy it for me, I’m also buying it for Stoolies.  Open invite, can use it as you please, only rule is no Dentes allowed.  Just need like $120,000 for the downpayment.  Venmo is David-williams-60, thx.