Yoenis Cespedes' Infamous "Non-Horse" Ranch Injury Was Because He Was Being Chased By A Wild Boar (PLUS: Conspiracy Theory As An Alternate Explanation As To What Actually Happened To His Ankle)

NY Post – In May when Yoenis Cespedes fractured his right ankle at his Port St. Lucie ranch, Mets GM Brodie Van Wagenen described a “violent” fall but provided no context how the fall occurred. The same was true last month when it was revealed that Cespedes and the Mets agreed to a restructuring of his contract that — among other things — will cost him a minimum of $15.7 million and could cost him as much as almost $30 million. The Post has learned all involved parties agreed that Cespedes was injured on the ranch stepping into a hole after an interaction with a wild boar. According to multiple people who were informed of the incident, Cespedes has traps on his ranch for a variety of reasons, including to keep boars away from people. But one boar was removed from a trap — perhaps by Cespedes — and either charged toward Cespedes or startled him, causing Cespedes to step into a hole. Cespedes suffered the fractured ankle at a time when he was recovering from surgery to both heels that already was jeopardizing his playing status in 2019. The ankle fracture guaranteed that he would not take an at-bat last season. Cespedes reported the injury to the Mets, including immediately that he was trying to sidestep a boar. Mets officials and representatives for Cespedes went to the ranch the following day and came away believing essentially that is what occurred. Officials from both the Commissioners Office and the Players Association visited the ranch at a later date and also confirmed that version of how Cespedes was injured. The Commissioners Office and Players Association became involved once it became clear the Mets were withholding Cespedes’ 2019 pay and were considering an attempt to make the remainder of his pact a non-guaranteed contract.

OHHHH the butcher and the baker and the WILD BOARS OUT ON THE RANCH! Where do they go!? TO MEET THE METS!! YO KNOWS BOAR.

The infamous Yoenis Cespedes Non Horse Ranch Incident is one of the all time Mets sagas. We thought he broke both his ankles while riding a horse, only to find out that it was one ankle in multiple places from stepping in a hole, to now learn that it was because he was being chased by a wild boar. Thats the kinda stuff that makes you a truly fucked franchise. There are plenty of bad teams. Plenty of 100 game losers. But not many teams have their prized slugger go down in a wild boar incident. Its why being a Mets fan is one of the worst fates in all of sports fandom. This kinda shit just doesnt happen to other teams. The Pirates are real bad. The Mariners are futile. The Marlins barely even exist. But they arent making headlines with wild boar injuries like is Robert fucking Baratheon prior to the War of the Five Kings.

Despite how preposterous of a headline that is, it all makes perfect sense. The MLBPA is, in my opinion, one of the most powerful groups in human history. Its like Jimmy Hoffa with the Teamsters, and then the MLBPA. Somehow, someway has negotiated guaranteed contracts worth GAZILLIONS of dollars for even the most mediocre of players and the owners cant do anything about it. And so when I saw that Cespedes’ salary was getting cut from $29 mil to $10 mil I knew something it had to be an extreme situation. The MLBPA aint losing 20 mil on a 30 million dollar deal unless its a DRASTIC situation. Like almost anything other than this situation and theres probably some precedent to keep his money. I’m sure the union reps and lawyers were like “OK what happened, Yo? You fall down drunk while partying with some hoes? Did you slip and fall on a boat? Was it a domestic incident? Were you involved in a violent altercation with another man? Any of that stuff, we’re good. We’re walking out of here with at least 25 million dollars. As long as you werent involved in a wild boar incident of your own making….*Cespedes whispers into his union reps’ ear* “Alright we’ll take 10 mil.”

I mean how can you even concoct a defense for “I fell in a hole after trying to evade a wild boar charging at me after it was released from its trap I set on your ranch” We finally found the MLB Players Association’s kryptonite and its angry pigs.

I had heard rumors over the last year or so about the real story behind the Cespedes injury. A conspiracy theory that I believe is more plausible than this wild boar poppycock they are feeding us right now. I heard rumors that this was the work of the cartel and the bad guys Yo and the other Cuban defectors get caught up in when trying to make it to America. Its no secret that the drug runners and smugglers who assist with the ball players who defect often try to shake them down for more money than they originally agreed upon. A lot of times its for a percentage of your contract once you make it to the league…but then when you cash in on that second, monster contract they come knocking again. Well, the rumor I heard was that this injury was much more nefarious than a Non Horse Injury or a Wild Boar Incident. This was no hole that broke Yo’s ankle. This was the work of goons looking to collect. Again, just a rumor and a conspiracy theory, but honestly, way more believable than getting chased down by Pumbaa on your ranch. Take it for what its worth…just something to put in your tickler file.

Either way, Yo loses a boat load of money in a completely ridiculous fashion. Only the Mets. I cant wait for Stevie Cohen to take over. He’ll probably have all wild hogs eradicated from existence. Feral hogs go extinct because our crazy billionaire wanted to avenge the loss of his slugger’s ankles.

PS – Please talk me back down to reality with the thoughts I’m having regarding Cespedes. Yo, in a contract year, for only 10 mil…looking to prove himself…looking for another contract…looking to mash the baseball and chuck it all over the field…I’m not saying we’re getting August 2015 Yo back. I’m just saying if he contributes even a little bit around those other bats…hey, it could happen.

I mean, no, it cant. But, Ya Gotta Believe.