I'm Now Entering 2020 A Virgin...Or Am I?
For those who have been following along since December 19th, 2019, I announced on radio that I was working on a project. This wasn't no ordinary project; it was a 3-some. As a 23-year-old virgin, I felt like I was about to hit the power ball! I've been talking to this lady that also went to Indiana University Purdue University of Indianapolis.
It was no surprise that after seeing this girl had a snapchat score of over 100,000 and a bible verse in her Instagram bio, she LOVED Call Her Daddy. The lady claimed that she and her friend were the "Alex and Sophia of Indianapolis". I told her, "I'm not #DaddyGang until I get laid". To which girl 1 replied, "3 some?" When I got this message, my phone almost cracked from dropping it as low to the ground as my jaw was.
Just like the Grinch's heart, my confidence has grown 3 times bigger since making out with a chick for the first time on Blackout Wednesday. Since that day, I've felt like Steve Rogers when he transformed from a potato stick into Captain America once he got out of the chamber. 1st base was pretty cool, but I might as well go for the Grand Slam if the bases are loaded.
Everything was going great. I've been communicating with the girl, we had the day scheduled (December 21st), and I was on my back to good old Indiana where my family surprised me at the airport (already posted this before but it's just too heartwarming not to share again).
December 21st comes around and I pretty much get ghosted by the lady. I don't hear from her until around 8pm or so. She says they're still figuring out the game plan yada yada. A few more hours go by and I still haven't heard anything. I'm in the town where we all planned on meeting with our friends and they were just in their own world. They were a no show. I hit her up the week after, but it just never fell through. It was too good to be true.
Just when I thought the game was over, New Year's Eve came around. My 4 best friends from high school recently got a house and had myself and their ladies all come over. So yes, I was 9th wheeling. I think they set this up to motivate me to find a lucky lady to give me a reason to cut off my Lollapalooza wristband (it's been 151 days now).
We all went out to the bars and midnight comes around. Some girl was bumping up on me and I thought "Hell yeah, I'm getting a New Year's kiss!" This did not happen as 10 seconds before the ball dropped, a large man snatched her, made out with her, snatched THAt girl's friend to make out with, and then witnessed THOSE girls make out with each other. It was the saddest and hottest thing I've seen all year. Auld Lang Syne was blasting at the bar, but Marvin's Room by Drake was blasting in my head.
"We'll get em next year" my friend Kolin said as we walked away. We walked to a different area of the bar to shake off the traumatizing moment. Suddenly, a bright light appeared. A lady approached me and recognized me. "Are you Mantis?" she asked. As I smiled and nodded, I said to myself, "This is my year". Long story short, I made out with a girl for the second time in my life BUT did not seal the deal. I was VERY CLOSE, but the girl was living with her parents over break. The girl was super cool and we had a blast, but it wasn't meant to be.
As proud and sad as I was, I called an Uber to end the night. But it doesn't stop there. As soon as I got home, I noticed the house was as quiet as a mouse. All the doors were closed. All I heard were the sounds of people talking from the TV's and moaning. I came to the realization that everyone in the house was smashing but me. I just sat there and...listened of course.
So yeah, I'm still a virgin. I did not participate in a 3-way, I did not participate in a 2-way, but I'm about to ride a one-way flight back to NYC. I've been dry for 4 decades now. God gives his hardest battles to his strongest soldiers. God is also kind of a dick. Thank you all for your support and I'm sorry I didn't get the job done. As Jay-Z once said, "One To The Next One".