One Of My Tik Toks Got Banned, A Bumble Match Stabbed Me In The Gut, And I May Have Body Bagged A Dude On Twitter In The Last 48 Hours

God where do I begin? The past 48 hours on Tik Tok, Bumble, and Twitter have been a shit show. I'll start with Tik Tok because that's everyone's favorite app (said nobody). As a man who has a fucked up mind and listens to rap, I created this masterpiece inspired by my favorite meal of the day and Yung Gravy.

This video was banging on Tik Tok! It had about 40,000 views in a few hours. Just like COOCHIE TUESDAY, Tik Tok took down the video for "Violating Community Guidelines". How!? I didn't actually jack off with syrup! I can't post this, but this is fine??

HOW!?!?!

How does this fly!?! This app is so corrupt it hurts waking up every morning! God, I miss Vine more than ever. Anyways, on to Bumble.

When I say I matched with the hottest woman ever, I mean it. "On God". My first instinct as usual was "Nah, this is a robot". To my surprise, it was a real woman. I knew this because only women can take a knife and stab our guts.

That's what you said!?! She's not wrong by any means, my boy cute as hell. But how about you focus on the main dish and eat your mashed potatoes later!

Are you kidding me?? This is a GREAT picture of me! I will never, EVER get a better photo than this in my life. I got some hunks on each side, NFL Blitz arcade shining on my face, and some knockers right above me. If this doesn't scream "Hey girl, I'm a B- internet celebrity. Come and get it" I don't know what does. 

Then this happened. I thought about sending the chick my friends Instagram just for him to tell her to reroute that ass GPS back to me, but my boy has a girlfriend and she's been traumatized enough by Sadie.

https://twitter.com/EdUtley/status/1204592549735911424?s=20

Now, for the grand finale. I don't care if you call me retarded, autistic, or don't enjoy my humor. That's all part of what I signed up for baby. But if you make fun of a Tinder/Bumble/Hinge girl unmatching me before I even get to know her and see how she views life, you're gonna get smoked. I'm already curved, I don't need to GET curved.

I couldn't tell who I was ripping to shreds at one point because all 3 of them looked the same! Has that dude even made out with a chick!? Only thing he's giving mouth to mouth is a fucking oxygen mask after walking up the stairs. Rest in Peace to this greaseball. At least one cool thing happened from this.

To be continued…