Jim Jones Is The Only Weatherman I Trust

The problem with most meteorologists is that they deal too often in hypotheticals. I don’t need to know if there’s a 60% chance of rain, how the fuck does that help me? It doesn’t, that’s how. They use words like polar vortex and humidity index and things like this that I, a college dropout, have no time for. Don’t tell me it’s 87 degrees but feels like 96. That’s just 96 degrees I don’t care about your particulars. That’s where Jim Jones comes in, the common man’s weatherman.

Your weatherman tells you to “take an umbrella to be safe!” My weatherman, Jim Jones, tells me to save my drip for another day, as the weather is too fucked up to stunt today. Ladies, those Ugg boots? Leave ‘em at home, that shearling is no match for these soggy conditions. This man isn’t in front of a doppler wearing a suit in dry conditions staring at a computer screen guessing what the weather might be. No no. This is a man IN the streets giving a very specific weather report for his area and his area alone, one in which I do not live, and yet it will be the only one I will seek out and listen to from this point moving forward.