Criminal in a 'It's Not a Crime Unless You Get Caught' Shirt Hasn't Been Caught

Source – A man who ransacked a laundromat soda machine and got away with $600 in cash was wearing a T-shirt proclaiming “It’s not a crime unless you get caught.”

Security cameras clearly captured the thief in action in Crystal City, Missouri, on October 22, but police still haven’t found him, reports KSDK-Channel 5 in St. Louis.

The owner of Twin City Coin Laundry said the criminal also caused about $1,300 worth of damage to the vending machine, according to the report.

Petty thief? No. There’s nothing petty about this guy. Common criminal? I’d argue he’s a most uncommon criminal.

I’d say that 999 times out of 1,000, a guy knocking off the vending machine at a laundromat is the lowest bottom feeder in the criminal food chain. But this man does it with a style practically unheard of in the vending machine thievery industry. He’s either taunting the authorities like a Batman villain, going for an almost O.Henry-style literary irony or raising deep, existential questions. Though I suspect he’s going for all three. And succeeding.

It begs the question: Is stealing $600 from the soda machine a crime if he doesn’t get caught? I’m not talking from the perspective of the owner of the Twin City Coin Laundry. I know what he/she thinks. They’re out 1,900 bucks. I’m looking at this purely philosophically. As I’m sure our thief is. He’s raised so many questions, from Zen to Rene Descartes to Bill Clinton. If a tree falls in the woods and no one is there to hear it, does it make a sound? What is the sound of one hand clapping? What is the nature of existence? If I think, does it mean that therefore I am? What is the definition of “is”? Not to mention George Costanza.

Crime, I suppose, ultimately is that. In the eye of the beholder, so to speak. If he doesn’t get caught, it’s never truly a crime. And I doubt any man that deep will evade capture forever. Let’s just hope he continues to teach and enlighten us as he continues his life of smashing and grabbing at laundromat soda machines.

P.S. Please accept my apologies for not sticking to sports. But this post was to stand in solidarity with my brothers and sisters who quit Deadspin on principle.