CNBC: 1 In 6 Millennials Have $100,000 Saved, You Poor Piece Of Shit

Quick shout-out to millennials — they take a LOT of shit, but credit where credit's due: 17% of them found a way to literally go 0 to 100 real quick.  Like, 8 months quick. 

CNBC in February: "a growing number of millennials have absolutely nothing saved."

CNBC this week:

That's fucking IMPRESSIVE. Who knew we self-absorbed, materialistic, foolish-with-money millennials were such responsible  long-term financial planners? Gives me a little bit of hope for our generation.  Well, not for myself, I have about 0.25% of $100K in savings, or for anyone else I know, after a quick poll around the office just now found the average savings account of a Barstool blogger is roughly -$1. (Margin of sampling error +/- 2.9%, confidence level 98%) But for this mysterious band of 16.666666666% of millennials with over a hundred grand to fall back on — that's hopeful. 

Now if I were to nitpick the methodology, I'd point out the survey got reporting from 1,500 people (total), and took the 23-37 year olds and applied that to the entire population of millennials. Oh, and those surveyed currently had long-term savings accounts at BOA. So to re-title the story as concisely as possible: "About 48 millennials with savings accounts at Bank of America have over 100K in there."

A cynic might point out that CNBC is owned by a $4 billion company led by a $2 billion man — they could try and say this is another example of elites wielding their political power to manipulate the media to mislead the public at a time of economic disadvantage and predatory lending and a lack of affordable housing and a bleak job market and crushing student debt.

A less jaded, less woke cynic might instead suggest the strong chance these accounts were opened by parents under their kid's name, or used it to move trust funds and inheritances into.

Basically there are a lot of reasons why you shouldn't feel badly about yourself, why you shouldn't panic about your lack of savings, how you should recognize that CNBC has established themselves as master trolls when it comes to millennial clickbait and how the study COMES FROM A BANK that is literally promoting savings accounts where they can get a shitload of capital to invest while returning about 0% interest to you. 

You could do that. Or you could just accept that you're a poor piece of shit.