What A Time To Be A Yankees Hater

18 out of 19 years the Yankees fall short. The first decade they didnt even make the World Series since the 1910’s. No excuses, no extenuating circumstances. They werent rebuilding. They were no longer ahead of schedule playing with house money. Back to back 100 win seasons, in a year that was World Series or bust, and they busted. Brings a smile to my face, and to the face of every other Yankee hater on the planet.

Right now business is absolutely BOOMING if you’re a Yankee Hater. Maybe you’re a Mets fan. Maybe you’re a Sox fan who still holds a grudge despite the fact that you have completely and totally eclipsed them as the premier team in the AL East. Maybe you’re just a good person with a sound mind and a sense of what is right and wrong in the sports world. Maybe you find skel goomba douchebags insufferable and want all the bad things in life to happen to them. Whatever your reason is for hating the New York Yankees and their fans, this is the best time in the last few decades to hate the Pinstripes. At least during my lifetime. I’m 35 years old. I either wasnt alive or cant remember the 80’s into the early 90’s, and after the departure of Mattingly, the arrival of Jeter, the Core Four, and Joe Torre, the Yankees were perpetual greatness. A Dynasty through the late 90s with multiple trips to the World Series in the early 2000s. The mid 2000s they were a dominant club, and despite falling short, they were only a few years removed from multiple World Series appearances and so it always felt like we were waiting for the inevitable to happen once again. In 2009 they finally made that a reality with the last Store Bought World Championship the sport has seen. After snapping their postseason streak in 2008, they purchased CC, Burnett and that doofus Mark Texiera and took home the least memorable of their modern titles.

Since that day though, nothing. Zip. Zero. Nada. Nathan. A decade deep with not even a World Series appearance. Teams like the Red Sox and Giants and Cardinals …maybe now even the Astros…have proven to be the class of baseball. The Yankees are that team who just cant get it done when it counts. It sounds funny saying that if you lived through the Jeffrey Maier through Subway Series years with Jeter and Brosius and Tino and even Posada and Matsui. The Yankees used to be synonymous with Clutch. Nothing but big moments when it counted and a staff of arms that locked it down when it was late and tight. That aint the Yankees anymore. Mariano Rivera and Paul O’Neill aint walking through that door. The Yankees are the new Braves. 1 World Series to show during nearly 2 decades this millennium. Tons of division titles, numerous 100 win seasons, plenty of seasons as the odds on favorite, only to head home with the rest of the loser franchises come late October. You can bank on it. Death, taxes, and the Yankees falling short in the postseason. Dont get me wrong, they’ll always be a good team. Their reputation and their wallet alone will always keep them in contention. They’ll almost always make the playoffs. They just wont get the job done. They’re like the Atlanta Hawks. The Memphis Grizzlies. One of those teams you can set your watch to their annual disappointing exit.

So I resent the people who see me celebrating another Yankees exit and call it pathetic. Facts of the matter, you skels, is that I’m riding high. There is literally no position in all of sports right now thats better than being a Bronx Bombers Hater. 18 of the last 19 years, I’m celebrating in October. Sure, its because my team isnt in it. Yes, its sad rooting for Little Brother in the big city. But bottom line is this – almost every October, every year, for nearly 20 years, I walk away from October baseball smiling. Ear to ear. Satisfied as fuck. Yankees fans walk away dejected. Miserable. Lifeless. Suicidal. At the end of the season, the Mets and the Yankees are in the same boat. The Padres too. The Rangers. The Mariners. All the teams who are NOT World Series Champs. But despite that, I celebrate every year. Whether its the infield in on a bloop single scoring Tony Womack, or a stolen base by Dave Roberts, or Justin Verlander shutting them down in Detroit, or Justin Verlander shutting them down in Houston, or Justin Verlander shutting them down again in Houston. Guys like Garet Anderson or Juan Pierre always have a special place in my heart. Every single season I walk away from the baseball season with amazing memories and new heroes. Because just like my close friend and partner in crime Jared Carrabis, I just love the game of baseball. He’s an unbiased national journalist who just wants to see the game played the right way. Me? No, not me. I’m just a kid from the Bronx who rooted for the wrong laundry. A kid who was cursed with a future doomed to fail. A guy who needed to find happiness somewhere because my franchise is a joke. And guess what? 18 out of 19 years I found that happiness. Sometimes its in the form of the Red Sox. Sometimes its the Angels. Or maybe the Tigers, Astros, Marlins or Indians. One time it was the goddam Texas Rangers. But as a baseball fan you can always count on it being somebody. Thats the main takeaway. You can always bank on Cashman building a contender that cant get over that October hump. Once he lost his core of 1990s Hall of Famers, he builds great regular season teams. Teams that lack the one dude who can come through in the clutch. And when they do find that guy, they dont have the arms to make it stand up. Its Whack A Mole with the New York Yankees trying to find that elusive 28th ring. Its gotten to the point where I think I look forward to October baseball because I cant wait to see who beats them. Who’s gonna be my new hero that I’ll always love and respect? Which surprise team will I forever remember for standing up for the Forces of Good?

This year its Jose Altuve. Thank you for murdering all my coworkers who had just got their hopes up. Thank you for assassinating Aroldis Chapman, “an abuser who shot a gun at a woman,” word to The Saugus Rocket. Mighty Mouse made sure that Hubbs and Tommy and Frankie and all the shithead Yankees weasels spend the next several months replaying all their miscues and shortcomings this season. He made sure that all the scumbag goombas who pour beer on people’s heads and make fun of autistic people go home miserable. They probably all went home last night and beat their dogs because they are bad people. Jose Altuve made sure that fucking loser Nick Tuturro can put his shirt back on and shut his dumb goddam mouth. Thank you to Jose Altuve for making all things right. The World is simply a better place when the Yankees lose, and luckily these days, for the last 20 years, the Yankees always do. See you once again next year. Cashman will find a few new hidden gems, maybe make a big splash (luxury tax permitting, of course! Thanks Hank and Hal!) so there will be a whole new cast of characters to root against. The opposition will be different as well, a whole new team of Good Guys to root for. But the end result will be the same as it always is – the Yankees falling short of that 28th ring, BRO!