Get a Load of This Blue Checkmark Reporting the Patriots are Talking to Antonio Brown About Returning

I’m not in the habit of dedicating precious blog space to every rumor thrown out there by every Blue Checkmark on Twitter. But when it involves the team that is the black hole in the center of the sports galaxy, the player in question is the single most controversial figure of 2019, the Blue Checkmark in question is a former Miami Hurricane, career NFL backup, pro wrestler and radio host who’s shot himself in the foot at every media market in the country with his inability to self-edit, and he claims he “knows EVERYONE in the Patriots organization”? It’s a close call. But I feel like an exception needs to be made.

Sometimes when an idea is this loony tunes, words fail. Which is why is de-evolving back toward symbols, hieroglyphs and cave paintings. So please allow me a moment to respond to this in GIF form:

I’m not here to attack the messenger. But consider the source. There is a 0.0% chance that if Drew Rosenhaus was meeting with Mr. Kraft about bringing back Antonio Brown, this story would be leaked to Bonecrusher Sileo (his rasslin’ name), of all people. This would be a total Adam Schefter piece, no question about it.

More to the point, there is a less than 0.0% chance the Krafts would consider taking Brown back at this point. The experiment was over. They took a shot, gave Brown a chance, and he failed them. And even if you wanted to play the “What if he didn’t actually do anything wrong?” card, it’s not like he’s been Captain Accountability since he was let go. The very first thing he did was bring up Orchids of Asia. Like somehow paying for a handy from a 58-year-old professional penis massager equates to a guy jagging off on the back of a woman who says she didn’t want to be jagged off on or texting a vague threat to a woman with photos of her kids.

Like they want to hand that guy a check for $9 million and trust it’ll work out. I defy anyone to show me one example of one thing Mr. Big Chest has said or done that should convince this ownership he’s not going to go right back off the rails the minute he gets paid. Just one. And keep in mind, the stuff he pulled in his legendary 11-day Patriots career all came before he was here long enough to go with his usual game plan: Counting his touches. Bitching about the game plan. Focusing on his own game to the detriment of team goals. Hard, hard pass.

Still, thanks for the laughs, Bonecrusher Sileo. And to everyone else, if I’m as wrong about this as I was when I said they’d never sign Brown in the first place, I again reserve the right to pretend I never said any of it.