Jack Hammered: Gardner Minshew's Plan to Gain Extra College Eligibility

What a couple of weeks for Gardner Flint Minshew II. After the unfortunate injury to Jaguars QB Nick Foles, Minshew II made his NFL debut in Week 1 of his rookie season. His hairdo, powerful ‘Stache, and personality have taken football fans by storm. He won this week’s Football Guy of the Week Award. He earned his first career win last night in convincing fashion. And most importantly, of course, he appeared on today’s Pardon My Take.

Each Football Guy we get on the show comes as a result of winning a Twitter poll, voted on by the AWL’s, usually because of something they did that week or a memorable quote they said. But not Gardner Flint Minshew II. The Jaguars quarterback is this week’s ultimate Football Guy simply for: being Gardner Flint Minshew II.

During his chat with Mr. Cat and Mr. Commenter, the guys got right down to business, asking about one story that stands out about himself. There was no hesitation. Gardner Flint Minshew II knew the answer immediately.

Mr. Commenter: You won Football Guy of the Week for “Being Gardner Minshew” and we’ve got all these stories about you, so what would you say is the most Gardner Minshew story of all time?

Gardner Flint Minshew II: So yeah, here’s the story. Actually, the only group of people I’ve ever told was the Washington State Football team before this last year. And it was just about “what would you do to be able to play more football?”

Alright, I’m mentally preparing for a solid, feel-good story from Minshew. I’m sure he’s about to tell us something that shows true grit, and that the AWL’s made the right choice in choosing him as Football Guy of the Week.

Gardner Flint Minshew II: It was back when I was at East Carolina, it was my first year there. I went there from junior college, and the situation was I had two seniors above me, so I was hoping to go in, redshirt, and then be able to play three [years]. It was an awesome setup, you know. So, we get into about Game Four and we moved our backup [QB] to running back because he was our best running back, and then the starter, he got knocked out with a concussion.

OK, not a huge deal, one would think. Yeah, it’s a bummer that Minshew’s itinerary isn’t exactly going as planned. He will have to burn the redshirt he was eyeing. But on the bright side, his time is now! You have to think glass half full, right?

Gardner Flint Minshew II: So, shoot, I’m standing there, I go in there, play about a half. And then we get into the next week, starter is going to be back, and I’m like, ‘Hey man, I just played a half. I really wasted a year on playing a half of ball,’ you know, so I was pretty pissed. And man, I started looking around at what I could do, what my options were, and the only thing I could do was to get a medical redshirt. But if I played in this next game, then that would be off the table. So, you know, I get an idea. I go home and I grab a bottle of Jack Daniels and I grab a hammer. I go back in my room, I take a pull of the Jack Daniels, put my hand down on the table, and…. BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! 1…. 2…… 3……

I’m sorry…. WHAT?!?!?!?! I’ll let the man finish.

Gardner Flint Minshew II: Hit the hell out of my hand, dude. I’m sitting there shaking, but I know it’s not broke, so I’m like god, come on. Take another pull, 1…2…3… still nothing. I’m just shaking at this point, but I knew it wasn’t broken. So, one more time: another pull, another three hits and that was all I could take. I couldn’t break my own hand, but when I told the guys “What would you do for more football? Because I’d do… damn near anything.”

Mr. Commenter: I gotta question your arm strength right off the bat if you’re not able to break your own hand.

Mr. Cat: You tried to break your own hand so you’d get a medical redshirt and you couldn’t because you have such a high pain threshold, or your body just doesn’t allow it. And then what ended up happening? Did you play the rest of that season and burn another year?

Gardner Flint Minshew II: Yeah, I mean, I ended up playing some. It was good getting that experience. But dude, I just had a swollen ass hand for about a few weeks. Just told the coaches that I closed it on a car door.

Mr. Commenter: So, did you go into the training facility and say, ‘Hey, I need an X-ray,’ or did you know that it wasn’t broken?

Gardner Flint Minshew II: No, I knew it wasn’t broken man, and I was pissed. I was thinking about hitting my left hand, my non-throwing hand, but I was like, you know what, I could play through that. That wouldn’t have me out. So, I had to go left-handed with the hammer so I could hit the right hand, and it’s a lot harder than you would think guys. It’s pretty hard to do, actually.

Mr. Cat: It’s a fantastic story. And you always hear stories about guys and how much they want it. I would say you want it more than anyone I’ve ever talked to.

Gardner Flint Minshew II: That’s what I’m talking about, man. That’s why I’m here now.

Oh. My. Goodness. If and when there is an enshrinement ceremony for Football Guys of the Week, I think Gardner Flint Minshew II has just jumped the line to be one of the first inductees. There are so many ways to describe this story: absurd, amazing, unbelievable, and just flat out perfect. I think it goes without saying, do not try this at home.

… Who am I kidding. There are 130 FBS schools out there, and at least triple that number of quarterbacks. What would the O/U be on the amount of QB’s who try this to gain extra eligibility using Gardner Flint Minshew II’s strategy? I’ll leave that up to the people to decide.

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