Airbus Is Now Going To Start Tracking Your In-Flight Trips To The Bathroom

(Source)– Through the end of this year, Airbus will be hosting test flights of its A350-900 aircraft that have been specially kitted with sensors that will monitor passengers extremely closely — even in the bathroom — all in the name of delivering better and more personalized service. It’s like a giant digital monitoring hub and according to a company press release Airbus’ “Connected Experience” will give crewmembers a plethora of data and metrics they didn’t have before. Tracking passenger bathroom habits, for example, certainly has a dystopian hint about it, but Airbus is doing that to give the crew more insight into things like when the soap dispenser is low and whether the bathroom is about to run out of toilet paper.

You can put me solidly in the camp of people who are creeped out by the amount of monitoring that goes on. Zuckerberg, Bezos, and the government tracking my every moment makes me very uncomfortable. Don’t guess what I want for dinner, don’t feed me programming, and definitely stay out of my search history. So when I first read the headline about Airbus I was disgusted. The one place where you’re typically ensured a level of privacy was now going to be invaded. A bridge to far on the Airbus. The last thing I want is a bathroom monitor while I’m over Iowa.

BUT…I flipped my entire opinion mid-flight. The only thing worse than worse than an invasion of privacy is a lack of accountability. There is nothing worse than needing to stretch your legs and take a cross continent shit only to get to the bathroom and see a toilet set that clearly was used by a guy who pissed during turbulence and then just left his urine all over the seat with no regard for his fellow passengers. I want to be able to press the little flight attendant button, check the piss list, and yell out over the intercom “excuse me sir from seat 18F. We have lysol wipes. Get back here and wipe down the seat you inconsiderate fuck”. That will force people to be decent human beings and clean up after themselves. There’s no greater motivator than shame and you can’t shame people without this system.

The only downside to this is that the Mile High Club is closed for business. Flight attendants would always be aware when two people sneak off to the bathroom together. I like the idea of the Mile High Club, but that is a club for hot people only. A club for people good at sex. It’s a club that I will never belong to so fuck those people. Bring on bathroom tracking.