Effective Immediately, The University Of Illinois Has Banned Chewing Tobacco From Campus

TRIBUNE – Officials at the University of Illinois began enforcing an updated anti-smoking policy Monday.

Now all smokeless forms of tobacco, including chewing tobacco, snuff and snus and dissolvable forms such as orbs and strips also are prohibited.

“Overall the policy is in place in part to create an environment on campus where everybody has the right to breathe clean air,” Guerra said. “With growing research showing the terrible health detriments of tobacco products … and the fact that people often become addicted by age 26, it’s important for us to have policies in place to help people not become addicted.”

There was nothing better in college then scoring 30 milligrams of someone else’s adderall the night before a big test and then crushing hogs of grizz mint long cut in the library while cramming about 3 months worth of finance equations on the back of notecards. And you don’t even dip. The spitter cups laying around the frat house actually make you nauseous more often than not. But when it’s time to fuck some scrantrons up and you need to buckle down, out comes prescription medicine and a burning desire for chewing tobacco. The good stuff. It’s a match made and heaven and it makes me sick to my stomach that the University of Illinois thinks they can just regulate it out of existence. Like taking the Chief away, literally and figuratively in several forms.

And let’s be clear: I’m not about that outrage life. They banned cigs and vaping a few years ago and sure. *Yawn.* Whatever. It’s a liberal campus. There’s a movement around the world to get clean air and blah blah blah. It’s pretty stupid you’re trying to shape future leaders and limit their choices in the process and immensely counterintuitive to the concept of free choice, and all that bullshit. But it’s smoking and no one wins a fight on behalf of smokers. You guys literally do nothing but hang losses.

But the Chewing Tobacco crowd is different. That’s a dedicated, passionate fan base. It goes beyond addiction. Dipping is like having a dog but not really. Like you’ll argue PASSIONATELY with a buddy about why your brand is better. Skoal cherry sucks you pussy. And then mix in the fact that about 95% of the male population in Central Illinois currently has a dip in as you’re reading this sentence right now and I think you could argue it’s more of a cultural thing. And you don’t ban culuture in 2019 you embrace it, even if they think the Illinois football team is going to win 6+ games this year.

At the end of the day though it comes down to the penalties:

Police will enforce the policy by issuing tickets. The first ticket will be a warning, and the second and third will result in $25 and $50 fines, respectively. The second fine can be waived if the person ticketed completes an educational program within 72 hours of the offense. All subsequent violations will result in a $100 fine.

Literally part of the police exams across all of Illinois south of I-80 is you have to dip a whole can of KODIAK straight while you disassemble and reassemble your firearm 3 times. Or at least it’s a rumor I just made up right now. Either way, real tough luck trying to enforce this policy when you’re talking about warnings.