Did I Get My Ass Beat This Weekend?

I’ll be honest, my memory aint what it used to be. So when I see a video like this come across my timeline I don’t know what to make of it. I very well could have been out and about this weekend, stumbled into a predicament and quickly got my ass beaten. That would be a surprise to no one and also explain why my back was in shambles when I awoke this morning. But since I can’t fully remember the last few days, let’s go over the evidence we have and see if it’s actually me.

1. White Guy
Check. Not even just white, ghostly white. Bordering on translucent. You can see the bruising before the punches even land. So far we’re 1-for-1.

2. Hair lined up by Michael J. Fox
2-for-2. Hairline pushed back like convertible tops. If this isn’t me I have a brother out there with terrible reaction time and brutal hand-eye coordination.

3. Tall
Easily the tallest person in this video, which is commonplace for me. Why did I start this fight man?

4. Outside
This is where the train starts coming off the tracks. I don’t go outside on most days but certainly not on weekends. If I breathe a single lungful of fresh air on a weekend it was a bad weekend. Strike one.

5. Not wearing a hat
Strike 2 and 3 simultaneously. If you reference the second bulletpoint I’ve prepared for you here today, you will note that my hairline is bad and actually not good. Which means I don’t go outside sans hat. Legitimately ever. If you’ve ever seen me outside sans hat then it wasn’t me. Easily the biggest piece of evidence that this isn’t me.

Based on these facts, I’m slightly leaning towards it not being me. I am going to send this video to my mother and ask her if there’s anything she wants to tell me, but other than that I’m glad I haven’t been punched in the face recently.