Illegally Dumping Them Out (NSFW)
Good morning… I hope you are enjoying what could be the last beach-weekend of the summer for some.
As you get older, you'll find that different things excite you. And as sad as it may sound, to me, very few things get my heart racing like illegal dumping.
And I don't mean shitting in the confessional at church (although that is also intriguing)… I mean getting rid of my garbage in an illegal fashion.
Now if you don’t own a house or have a lifestyle where you accumulate an inordinate amount of waste that cannot be disposed of in a traditional manner, then you may just want to skip down towards the end of the blog, where I am probably going to post some smut.
But for those of us who do have bulky litter, scrap, rubbish, or refuse, please read on and then tell me whether I am alone or not.
First off, and I know it sounds terrible to some (touchy cunts), but I don’t recycle. Never have.
And it’s an easy responsibility to shirk because I live in a town that isn’t as draconian as others when it comes to throwing out plastics, glass, cardboard, paper, etc.
Sure, my town asks that we separate our trash into different receptacles, but I never do. What I do instead is give my garbage men healthy tips twice a year. As a result, they throw bags of my garbage into their truck every Monday morning even though those same bags make a jangly din as they are lifted from my garbage can because they contain 5 or 6 wine bottles and a like amount of empty tomato cans after I made a delicious Sunday sauce just hours before.
-- By the way... Is this Sunday Sauce or Sunday Gravy? --
There was a heat advisory last week and as the heat index reached a balmy 102 degrees, my wife made sure there were 4 ice-cold bottles of water waiting on top of our cans for the boys. And I think little human actions like that are the reason these same garbage guys won't complain when they someday unknowingly unload hacked-off pieces of my dead body into the back of their truck after my bride finally cuts my snoring throat as I sleep.
(artist's rendition of me sleeping with my bride)
The reason I mention all this garbage-related bullshit is that earlier this week we got to talking about this very same topic on radio, and the conversation drifted into my love for local dumpsters. In particular, if a neighbor of mine is doing any type of construction project that requires a dumpster to stay in his driveway, I consider that dumpster fair game for any container of paint, industrial cleaner and/or caustic chemical that has literally been burning a hole in the back of my garage.
Similarly, I have had a dumpster on more than one occasion on my own property, and I'll be damned if that sonofabitch wasn't all but raped by Jim next door or Woody across the street. It's collateral damage, and I plan to pay them back in spades next time Jim's fat wife demands another kitchen remodel.
But back to the radio conversation… So as we are speaking about the shady ways in which we unload bulk garbage, someone called in with a suggestion that I thought I would share as we roll into football season.
I can't remember the caller's name, so I will call him "Joe from NJ", and Joe phoned in to tell us how he wasn't a season ticket holder but still attended maybe 3 or 4 New York Jets games every season at the Meadowlands. As is the case with most alcoholics, Joe from NJ and his buddies would show up hours before kickoff and drink their faces off before and then again after the game in the parking lot.
"Yeah. It's called tailgating, Large, and we all know about it, you fat moron. Why the fuck are you telling us about Joe?"
Well. What Joe from NJ does 3 or 4 times a year that is unique is he brings with him to the parking lot at MetLife a shitload of random garbage from his house that he couldn't otherwise just throw away. He empties that crap in the parking space between his and his buddy's truck and then leaves it all there when they ultimately go home.
The last home game of the season last year, Joe from NJ had an old window-unit air-conditioner that he was unable to just leave out on his curb for pickup because of some freon concerns, so he lugged it to LOT J along with 2 dozen old paint cans, used them as a seat/coffee table combo while he drank and watched his kids play corn hole, and then left it there as he drove home kinda drunk after the Jets lost to the Packers in OT by a score of 44-38.
I asked Joe from NJ if he ever felt any guilt or remorse for his actions, and he simply answered, "Fuck that, Large, you fat moron… Jersey's already a fucking dump."
(Not 100% sure where the recent recurring "fat moron" thing came from, but I have some ideas.)
Now, I too live in New Jersey, and I pay a pretty penny in taxes to do so. However, I somehow found Joe's story to be endearing… So much so, that I am sharing it with you now AND I am also biding my time until I can lug a 15-year-old broken air-hockey/one-time-outdoor-buffet table to LOT G when Dallas comes to town in Week 6.
I wonder if they'll notice?
Now the big ending…
Speaking of dumping AND speaking of favorite things, one other thing that I enjoy immensely is when a young lady comes dangerously close to dumping them out because her fashion choice is not up to the task at hand…
You can call it "10 pounds of tit in a 5-pound bag"…
Or simply chalk it up to "more bacon than the pan can handle"…
I've used this Asian one before, but I still enjoy it…
Either way, I love a broad that dons an outfit that cannot compete with what she has underneath, causing me to root for gravity "harder" than Sir Isaac Newton could've ever imagined.
Enjoy your Sunday Sauce, and take a report.
-Large
.
.
This week on ExtraLarge, I tackle a 24 ounce Delmonico in a 1200 degree wood-fired pizza oven. It was the best steak I have ever eaten, and this fat moron has had A LOT of steaks.
You can find it on BarstoolGOLD…