Lollapalooza Made Me Create A New Guinness World Record

It's been 3 days and I'm suffering from Lollapalooza withdrawals. Not only was this my first-time visiting Chicago, but this was my first music festival. The combination of terrifying car rides and intoxicated jersey wearing children constantly looking for a lady named Molly head me weak. Weak as in my strength, not as in laughing. But what kept my mind stable was this wristband. Once this band was strapped onto my wrist, the valve in my veins closed my blood flow, only to feel the rush of Vibes through my arteries and my surprisingly functioning body.

I've never felt more relaxed and mellow in my life. Weed lasts a short time, but this 4-day band has felt like a week's worth of good vibrations. I feel like my lungs are filled with happy gas because I can't stop saying "haha" in conversations. It's like Thor holding his hammer. I want to feel this vibe until I die, whether that's 70 years from now or next week.

I want to leave a legacy on this planet, and that legacy will (hopefully) be written as a Guinness World Record of Most Days Wearing A Lollapalooza Wristband

The process was easier than I thought at first. Just fill out your information, propose your record idea, easy stuff.

Unfortunately, you have to pay a $5 application fee. A process $45 cheaper than applying for an apartment. The downfall is I have to wait 12 weeks for this non-guaranteed proposal to go through. It will damn near be Halloween by the time I get a conformation.

Until then, I will continue to live on Cloud 9. If I can't be a US Open Ballperson, I can at least be a world record holder. I may have already broken a record of longest years being a virgin, but this one matters to me. Besides the Lord of the Rings gate rushes, convoys of paramedic golf carts speeding down the sidewalk every hour with a blacked-out kid in the back, and plastic bags of candy being offered, this about sums the vibe last weekend. Here's to day 4 starting tomorrow.