Can We Get Nick Castellabos A Chain For His Chain?

Are you fuckin kidding me Castellabos? Start hotter in a Cubs uniform. You can’t. (You can.) I mean that chain literally was just taking a beating the entire time around the bases. The kinda chain that ruthlessly reminds viewers at home that you’re not cool enough to be a major leaguer. Like yeah you can’t touch 97 to begin with and probably didn’t even make it through little league without threatening your parents to run away. You fucking HATED baseball. But the reason you really sucked is because you’re a loser. Has nothing to do with athletic ability and everything to do with being sweet and wearing a big golden chain of St. Nicholas, the patron Saint of Coopers, which is the name of the guys who make big wooden barrels.

St. Nicholas of Castellabos. The patron saint of hitting bombs and building wooden caskets for all of our booze.

Get him a B.