This Bird Is My New Favorite Athlete

Nobody, and I mean nobody, has ever enjoyed themselves more than this bird. The first guy to invent masturbating didn’t have as good of an afternoon as our feathered friend here. Probably couldn’t wait to go home, sit around the dinner table with his bird family, wait to hear about what his stupid bird kids did at bird day camp before dropping this story on the whole flock. The bird world will never be the same after news spreads. And since they’re, yanno, birds, I imagine news will spread quickly due to their proclivity for flying and whatnot. Golf tournaments just got a lot more must watch for the Mick Man now that birds realize the level of fun they can have with these white spheres they almost assuredly thought were eggs of some sort as recently as yesterday. Now? Brooks Koepka might be about to tap in for a green jacket when a pelican or albatross comes swooping in and sends his ball to Jupiter off the nearest cart path.