I'm Moving Today For The First Time In 6 Years, Here Are All The Awesome Things I Found Cleaning Out My Bedroom

White Sox Dave8/01/2019 2:30 PM

So I move today. Going from Ukrainian Village to Lincoln Park. Figured I’ll be 31 in a couple months and as nice as it is paying $1300 total for rent, I should probably sack up and get my own place, so I did. Place is kinda awesome. Right on DePaul’s campus with a roof deck, weight room, etc.

But as awesome as it’s gonna be I almost wouldn’t trade it for how AWFUL it is packing boxes and shit like that. I mean this is fucking torcher. I am typing this at 7:27am on 8/1 – have about 75% of my packing still to do and 3-4 more blogs to write. And no, I didn’t start packing until yesterday. Fuck that.

But what this move did do was force me to clean the absolute fuck out of my bedroom. I’m talking spotless. Head to toe. I need that $650 deposit back, it’s going to a new TV amirite? Anyways in the process I stumbled upon some random items that got lost in my closet, under the bed, in a random shoe box and in other little nooks and crannies throughout the room. They all made me laugh for different reasons. Here are my favorite items:

Get rich quick books:

These books are funny for a few reasons.

1. I know nothing about money other than how to spend it and spend it poorly
2. I read literally one chapter of Investing for Dummies before I called it quits and
3. I checked out Cashflow Quadrant from the library and never returned it about 8 years ago. The Warrenville IL library reported it to collections and it fucks up my credit to this day I’m pretty sure. So while I was looking to get rich quick by participating in the obsolete and archaic act of reading, I actually became more poor in the process.

Random baseball tickets:

First two tickets are from a road trip a college buddy and I took when we were 21. One of my other roommates got drafted by the Bosox in the 39th round in 2011 so we hightailed it out to the beautiful city of Lowell, MA to watch him play in the last week of the season. A few funny notes from that trip:

1. we went to a bar immediately after the first game we went to. It was some townie bar near the stadium in Lowell. I was offered (I think?) meth by some homeless guy outside the bar. He opened his hand and there were little crystal nuggets in his palm. I politely declined. When we got in the bar the bartender knew we were out of town because of our accents so he gave us a free round of shots. Both of them seemed like nice guys.

2. the last series of his season was played in Norwich, CT. We drove down there from Lowell and needless to say we hit the Mohegan Sun as soon as we possibly could have. I had about $700 in singles from working as a bar back at a golf course and sat down at a $1-2 no limit hold em table. There was this fat fucking German dude with beady eyes and thick glasses sitting a couple to my right who wouldn’t stop bitching about people getting lucky all night. He seriously thought he was Daniel Negreanu. Well wouldn’t ya know it, after a few hours I was up to about $1500 and this fuck was the only player at the table with more chips than me. I thought I was going to go home a rich man. Free vacation. Nope, I flopped a full house and he river ratted me with a better full house. I was all in and lost every cent to my name. Not one penny of cash, credit or otherwise.

Matt Barnes was the Red Sox 1st round pick that year and they shut him down right away, so he was chilling with us all night. He was sitting to the seat to my left and let out and audible “oooooh shit” when it happened. But he took mercy on me and tossed me $100 and bought McDonald’s and the taxi home. Good guy.

I slept in the car the next 3 nights while eating nothing but dollar menu.

3. Madison halloween party – craziest weekend of my life. My birthday is on halloween so you can imagine how that went

An umpire clicker:

This kinda goes with my get rich quick schemes, but not completely. Once I realized I sucked at baseball I figured the next best way to get to the big leagues was to umpire. Thought to myself “hey, Joe West makes $500K umpiring and he SUCKS, I can too!” Went to a school for it for 2 months one summer. Then I realized there’s zero turnover and you don’t make dick for money until you’re like 40 so I stopped showing up to the school.

Canadian Viagra:

So last summer a buddy of mine came to Barstool at the Park and handed this packet to me. He said “you’re gonna need this tonight.” I said “wtf is it?” and he goes “Canadian Viagra. When you use this make sure you cut it in half, this shit is super strong.”

Now the misconception about Viagra is that it’s only used for those who can’t get it up. Well I don’t have that problem. But what it does is make you last for about… I don’t know 4 hours? You’re like a goddamn jackhammer. Truthfully I thought I only had the 2 half pills left and had them ready to rock on my window sill, but stumbling on the last full one made this entire move worth it.

A fossil watch:

This goes hand in hand with the Viagra. Fossil watches were the HOT accessory for dudes in middle school circa 2002. I wear this bad boy out to the bar and that Viagra is getting popped so fast my head will spin

Vegas casino chips:

Can someone tell me if these two chips have matured and are worth more than their face value so I don’t have to read those goddamn finance books please? Thank you.

Baseballs:

From left to right: a New York Penn League ball, a PEARL (no idea where it came from but I can’t wait to play catch with it) a Midwest League Ball (I believe that’s from going to a Kane County Cougars game to see Schwarber play after he was drafted) and a random ball that says “White Sox 2002″. No idea.

My middle school year book: