Sorry But If You Don't Hit The Very Fast Cages At Sluggers On Your Wedding Day Then You Never Actually Got Married

I got married a few months ago and it was fine. A lot of people like to celebrate marriage with sex and alcohol. Others will stress the importance of live music over an affordable, local DJ. And then there’s some couples that like to follow dinner with a multi-tiered cake and light narcotics. Honestly the possibilities are endless and that’s the point. You can celebrate your wedding however you damn well please without an ounce of hesitation because it’s Your Special Day.

That said, if you don’t take your wife to Sluggers for a round on the Very Fast after pictures then I got news for you. Your wedding sucked and your wife is already cheating on you with the guy selling $5 cash pizza slices on the 1st floor. I’m sorry you had to find out this way but that’s what you get for not giving a woman what she wants. For ignoring her most carnal needs and literally taking the bat out of her hands.

Real talk though you’ve gotta be so dialed-in on your wedding day in the batters box. That ball probably looks like a fucking cantaloupe rolling off the iron mike pitching machine. Like all the amphetamines and cocaine ball players did in the 70s and 80s are probably nothing compared to the adrenaline cocktail pumping through her veins right now. Maybe that’s the next big breakthrough in PED’s. Figure out how to stimulate the intensity of a bride on her wedding day pre-cocktail hour then drug your whole team up with that shit. I don’t care the sport, that squad would fucking MURDER everyone.