Camp Stories: The Storylines to Follow at Patriots Training Camp, 2019

When you’re defending your sixth title, have had the usual amount of roster turnover, player acquisitions, coaching changes and off-season drama, there is no shortage of story lines to look forward to once Patriots training camp kicks off Thursday morning. Here are the ones I think will be even better than the story of Lardass Hogan and the Pie Eating Contest:

1. What’s going to happen at tight end in a post-Gronk world?

Unless this is your first time clicking onto Barstool, you know I’ve burned most of my off-season calories on two stories. One involves the most famous handjob the world has ever known. The other is whether Rob Gronkowski is really retired or not. Now is not the time for that. It’s the time to figure out what they can make out of a depth chart of a 38 year old Ben Watson who’s suspended for the first month of the season, Matt LaCosse, Stephen Anderson, Ryan Izzo and Andrew Beck. My guess is, not a hell of a lot. At least not by the standards of an offense that’s been largely run through the position since they drafted Daniel Graham and Watson in the 1st round in the early 2000s. So here’s what I think we’ll see: One of the Patriots’ classic, outside-the-box-thinking jobs, where they try to coach up players to switch from other positions to play tight end. Think Troy Brown at cornerback, Julian Edelman at safety or Cordarelle Patterson at running back. Look around the roster and you see some freakishly athletic metahumans who could potentially be tight ends in limited duty. Demaryius Thomas wouldn’t be that big a stretch. Obi Melifonwu has the size and speed. And Jamie Collins is a physical specimen who could play anywhere on the field with the right coaching. Which he’ll have. You heard it here first.

2. The Underclassmen

Virtually any year in which Roger Goodell didn’t confiscate all their draft picks, seeing the incoming rookies are the most intriguing part of any camp. But this year it’s even more so. Because not only did they draft high at sexy positions like WR N’Keal Harry, CB Joejuan Williams and DE Chase Winovich, they’re in the practically unprecedented position of returning a sophomore class that was wiped out by injuries. With the exception of Sony Michel, their entire 2018 draft had redshirted freshman seasons. So we’ve got Isaiah Wynn taking over as just the fourth starting left tackle the franchise has had since drafting Bruce Armstrong in 1987. Duke Dawson was considered the best slot corner in his draft. And Ju’Whan looked like a steal on the order of Bane at the Gotham Stock Exchange in the 5th round (143rd overall). He was nothing less than the best linebacker on the field before getting IR’ed in Week 3. The thought of watching him with another year of coaching, film study and working with the training staff, joining a linebacking corps that held the 11th highest scoring offense of all time to a field goal should have every Patriots fan wishing summer away. And Bentley hasn’t turned 23 yet.

 3. Who will be the wide receivers?

God promises no one a tomorrow. Neither does Bill Belichick. Especially at the wideout spot. The only guys who can feel remotely comfortable are Julian Edelman, Phillip Dorsett and Harry. Everyone else will have to blow his ankle socks off every day. Thomas is starting out on PUP, so the meter is running on him. Dontrelle Inman and Damoun Patterson are intriguing possibilities. And if you’re not pulling for Braxton Berrios to become the folk hero we need right now (second Batman reference of the season and it hasn’t even started), you have no soul.

4. Who will be coaching this thing?

Here’s the coaching roster, as of yesterday:

It’ll be interesting to see if Jerod Mayo works his way up to calling the defense from behind that Cheesecake Factory menu once the pretend games start in a few weeks. Though probably not as interesting as watching Joe Judge coach Special Teams and receivers, the football equivalent of being CFO but also server in the company cafeteria.

5. Who will be the punter?

You think I am shitting you? I am not shitting you. Ryan Allen has been immense when needed most, pinning opponents deep late in huge postseason games time and again. But they’ve drafted a punter in each of the last two years. And I’m dead serious when I say Jake Bailey – whom they traded up to take in the 5th round – was the standout rookie at minicamp. His punts go up like a bottle rocket, and have a weird, knuckling descent that I saw no less than five different returners drop. Whether that was just the windy conditions, rustiness or what they saw when they scouted him kicking at Stanford remains to be seen. But you should be watching.

6. How good and deep is this secondary?

In terms of scope and scale, intensity and high stakes, this is going to be The Battle of Pelennor Fields. In addition to the five starters – Stephon Gilmore, Pat Chung, Duron Harmon and the McCourty twins – you’ve got Williams, Dawson, Melifonwu, last year’s breakout UDFA JC Jackson, the very serviceable depth guy Keion Crossen and a cast of thousands. Tough cuts will be made.

7. How much will they count on Damien Harris?

Michel has been reportedly running at full speed after playing through injury last year and getting his knee scoped. But he starts camp on the PUP list, giving the rookie out of Bama they took with the 87th pick a metaphoric opening he can euphemistically run through. How you evaluate a rookie running back in a world where tackling in practice has gone the way of the Lawn Dart is beyond me. Maybe Ernie Adams has invented a Virtual Running Back simulator like they use to train pilots. But it’s worked well. And maybe by the time of inter-squad scrimmages we’ll have a feel for whether Nick Saban did us a solid.

8. What will happen once Brady turns 42?

By that I mean, will we finally run out of ways to describe him after 20 training camps? Form such as this can exhaust the adjectives of a thousand languages:

I love summer as much as any man. But I cannot wait for Camp 2019 to begin. We’re still here. Let’s fucking go.