Podcasting Camps For Kids Are The Next Big Trend In America
It’s long been speculated, but at this point it’s no secret that the widespread and rapidly growing popularity of competitive youth sports in America is severely toxic and oftentimes traumatic for children. Hundreds of thousands of kids who are genetically predisposed to poor coordination, abhorrent physical skills, and a pathetic lack of athletic prowess are being unfairly forced by their parents to play sports each year despite the fact that they will inevitably fail and humiliate themselves and their families. It’s a nationwide crisis that’s been proven to lead to irreversible psychological damage, low self-esteem, stunted emotional growth, and poor sexual performance later in life. So what gives?
Geoff Jefferson, a 42-year-old self-proclaimed “life coach, fitness guru, health nut, coffee fanatic, dog dad, follower of Christ, entrepreneur, and podcasting expert” from Irvine, California, was sick and tired of watching his highly uncoordinated and dorky nephew, Brayden, embarrass himself on the little league field each summer. He could no longer bear to watch the puny, little outcast strike out and make disgraceful errors in right field on a weekly basis. “It was tough to watch,” admitted Jefferson. “By the time the playoffs rolled around, it got to a point where I refused to even acknowledge or interact with him after the games. I was too embarrassed to let other people know I was related to such a loser. I really felt bad for myself.”
“I knew he had to pursue other avenues, and with zero identifiable skills or talents, podcasting was the only route that seemed realistic and profitable for him. After a few days of brainstorming, I finally came up with the idea for the 28-day intensive camp.”
DAILY SCHEDULE
5:30am
Wake Up (Sponsored by Leesa Mattress)
5:45am — 7:45am
Conditioning (Cardio, mouth calisthenics, microphone grip exercises, narcissism drills)
8:00am — 9:30am
Vocal training (Speech impediments allowed but not encouraged)
9:45am — 9:55am
Breakfast/Recovery
10:00am — 12:30pm
Ad read technique
12:45–1:00pm
Lunch (Sponsored by Blue Apron)
1:15–3:15pm
Racial sensitivity training (How to avoid cancel culture/edit out unintentional slurs)
3:30–4:30pm
Pandering 101
4:40–6:00pm
Special Guest Speaker: Ben Shapiro (Sponsored by The Make-A-Wish® Foundation & Bio Gro Protein)
6:00–6:15pm
Blue Apron Dinner
6:30–8:00pm
Inside Jokes/Off-Topic Tangents (Sponsored by Slack)
8:15–9:15pm
Live Sessions/Battle Rounds
9:30pm
Lights Out (Sponsored by Casper Mattress)
TESTIMONIALS
“I was tired of wasting all this money on sports equipment and athletic gear on a kid who had absolutely no future as an athlete. Signing my six-year-old daughter up for Coach Jefferson’s intensive podcasting camp was a no brainer.” – Frank Rasmussen
“Let’s be realistic here, I’m 5’6” and his mother is 5’1”…our son has no chance to monetize an athletic career. Getting him into podcasting early was the smartest and healthiest choice for everyone.” – Harry Dubinsky
“If he isn’t 3’10”, 45 pounds by his 3rd birthday then Geoff Jefferson will be the first phone call I make.” – Daniel Katz
“You should’ve seen the look on his face when I told him he couldn’t go the beach with us this summer because we were sending him to podcasting camp instead. You would’ve thought I just diagnosed him with a terminal illness. I’m beyond excited for Coach Jefferson to straighten him out and get his priorities on the right track.” – Charles Viola
“He’ll thank us later.” — Steven Cheah