It Always Amazes Me How Shitty Of A Coach Wolf "The Dentist" Stansson Was
It’s been a while since the last time I’ve written a blog about The Mighty Ducks. And by a while I mean at least a few months.
Now some of you may be thinking to yourself that I do this just as a shtick, but I can assure you that it’s not. The Mighty Ducks consume at least 5% of my total thoughts. Considering you’re constantly thinking to yourself all day every day, 5% is a pretty significant number. And the one thought I can’t get out of my head at the moment is that Wolf “The Dentist” Stansson? This dude fucking SUCKED at coaching. Like impressively bad from start to finish. He was easily the worst coach in the entire series.
For starters, let’s talk about this infamous scene.
Even before the play started, Team USA had just called a timeout which I presumed to be a pretty damn lengthy timeout considering Russ Tyler had to switch into goalie gear to pull off the trick play. So did Wolf Stansson not think anything of that? Did he not think that some tomfoolery was afoot when Team USA had a 5-minute long timeout? It’s not like these games were broadcasted or anything so he couldn’t have assumed it was a TV timeout.
But even if he didn’t realize that something fucky was about to happen, once the play actually developed and he saw it was Russ Tyler who had the puck…..is all he could really come up with just to scream “The goalie!!”? Dude. You might as well just be some jackass fan up in the stands who screams “SHOOOOOOOT” every time your team has the puck in the offensive zone. This was the biggest turning point of the game and all he did was blabber out “the goalie” like a complete and total putz.
Next on deck, we move to this–
Is it the best look for Bombay to have his kids just out there dicking around in the middle of an international tournament? Probably not. But it’s pretty damn clear that Team Iceland didn’t have a practice scheduled for this specific time. Anybody who has ever played hockey before knows that if one team’s ice slot is up, the guy driving the Zamboni is going to get those sons of bitches off the ice the exact moment their time is done. Zamboni drivers don’t fuck around when it comes to ice time. If your practice is over, he’s out there getting the ice cut for the next team. Considering there was no Zamboni driver up Team USA’s ass to get off the ice, I have to imagine that the ice slot still belonged to them. So what happened then? Did Wolf Stansson even schedule a practice? Did he even get an ice time? Or is he just having his kids show up to the rink whenever and praying that there’s ice available to practice on? Seems like shitty coach behavior to me.
Then we get to another infamous scene. Eating ice cream with the enemy.
Again, this isn’t the greatest look for Gordon Bombay either to be out trying to bang the opponent in the middle of a tournament. But you know what? At least he’s the head coach. At least he gets to call the shots around here. How about Wolf Stansson not having even a sliver of control over his team? I have to imagine that like most coaches on a road trip, he probably set a pretty strict curfew for his team. Does the trainer give a single fuck about The Dentist’s curfew? Heck no. And that right there is a direct reflection upon the poor leadership from Wolf Stansson. Maybe if he could keep his staff in line, they wouldn’t have choked in the final. But the trickledown effect here shows that if the trainer doesn’t respect Wolf Stansson, then the players won’t respect Wolf Stansson. And if the players don’t respect Wolf Stansson, then we have shit like this happening at the end of the tournament.
You see–this right here is how I know that The Dentist has absolutely zero awareness. Gunnar Stahl may have been the best player in the tournament, but he’s also a total pretty boy. Now I don’t want to take anything away from Julie The Cat’s save here but have you ever stopped to wonder just why in the goddamn heck Gunnar Stahl would choose to stop at the top of the circles to rip a clapper on a penalty shot instead of going all the way in and deke-ing Julie Gaffney straight to hell?
It’s because pretty boy over here wanted a little action with The Cat. It’s so damn obvious. Gunnar Stahl couldn’t keep it in his pants. He wanted Julie The Cat and he knew that his best chance with her was to give her a layup of a save for the gold medal. It’s the only reasonable explanation as to why this little fucker would COME TO A COMPLETE STOP WITH THE GAME ON THE LINE.
If Wolf Stansson was at least a halfway competent coach, he would have realized he needed to get Gunnar Stahl out of there the moment that Bombay put Julie in for Goldberg. You have to realize that you’re coaching a bunch of kids here and that Gunnar Stahl’s hormones were going to take over in this situation. It’s just a complete and total lack of gamesmanship on his end. When Gunnar Stahl says, “you lost it for yourself”, that is exactly what he’s talking about.
So in conclusion: Wolf “The Dentist” Stansson was an unorganized mess who couldn’t control his team and had no idea how to optimize his players’ talents. And in the end, he went into the tournament with the best team by far and he returned to Iceland with a big fat L. At least Coach Riley had all of his championships. Wolf “The Dentist” was a total fraud.