Success Rate Of Unsolicited Dick Pic Skyrockets From 0.0% to 0.1% For Pennsylvania Man
Irrational overconfidence. Morbidly unquenchable horniness. Infantile unawareness. Extraordinary sexual desperation. General stupidity. When each of these five elements reach a certain level and occur simultaneously in a man or boy, a modern phenomenon known as the “unsolicited dick pic” (UDP) takes place. And, horrifically, it’s a lot more common than you might think. In fact, half the girls I talk to on a regular basis have admitted to receiving at least one unsolicited dick pic in their lifetime, and the other half didn’t feel comfortable answering the question at the dinner table in front of the rest of our family.
It’s a paradoxical male mating strategy that seems to be as ubiquitous as it is absurd, as jarring as it is futile, and as hard to comprehend as it is flaccid to detest. Some experts believe it’s an action that stems predominately from a delusional misperception of a woman’s sexual interest. Others seem to think it’s a behavioral trait inherently found in some males from birth.
Since the beginning of time, even before photo-sharing technology existed, men of all stauses and political backgrounds have been overwhelmingly and disastrously unsuccessful at flattering women by abruptly exposing their unrequested Weiner to them. Even a notoriously well-endowed historical figure like Adam (Genesis) failed to arouse his partner by revealing his world-record-breaking dick to her without consent. In fact, she was so traumatized by the maneuver that she immediately fled the scene to seek solace from a serpent, the only dickless male lifeform in the entire Garden of Eden.
Despite it being an almost unanimously fruitless and inevitably faulty tactic, there are still rare instances when a UDP somehow fails to fail. This freak occurrence, referred to as “Halley’s Cock Pic” in the creep community, miraculously happened Tuesday evening for one American man.
Wayne Hovermale, a 31-year-old part-time Uber driver and full-time sexual predator from Wilkes Barre, Pennsylvania, has been regularly sending unprompted photographs of his genitalia to women, girls, and spam bots since he first made a Facebook account in 2009. The self-proclaimed “brony” has admitted to sending upwards of 1,000 UDPs over the course of the last decade.
According to Hovermale, he receives a “thrill” from the idea of an unknown woman looking at his otherwise unviewed and untouched penis. The “shock value” that comes with unexpectedly seeing an image of his repulsive boner has been a way for him to automatically get attention, and in Wayne’s warped mind, negative attention is better than no attention at all. He’s been ignored, blocked, and threatened with legal action countless times. He lost his job as co-manager of the second largest Game Stop in Wilkes Barre. He’s failed and he’s failed, but he still refused to stop. So, when a local girl he met at BronyCon last summer finally showed interest in actually having human sex with him, he was shocked but he reacted in the only way he knew how to interact with women via text: with an unsolicited dick pic.
While it wasn’t necessarily met with a positive response, Wayne’s UDP didn’t deter the equally desperate recipient from making the shameful trek to his studio basement. And just like that, the astronomically horny Uber driver achieved his Halley’s Cock Pic.
