Wearing Shoes On Planes Is For Suckers: Let The Big Dogs Breathe, Baby!

This video is blowing up all over twitter and Instagram. You have people clutching their pearls and saying, “Dear God, Harold. The savages are airing their dogs out on planes. Thank heavens we are in first class and don’t have to deal with the impecunious lot in the back.”

So, in the words of Longtime Stoolie Barack Obama,

if the flight is over 2 hours and 45 minutes, I will be letting the dogs breathe, you beautiful sons of bitches. I will be wafting my CLEAN socks in the comfort of my Delta Comfort or United Economy Plus seat. If the flight goes over one movie, I will have this little piggie going straight into the aisle market and if you don’t like it, you can take your little piggies and go wee wee wee all the way home.

Now, let me explain my position a little bit. The feet are the sole of the foot. And the soul. As such, the feeling of the entire body can be dictated by how warm your feet are.

Harken back to the time that you were at the coldest football game of your life. Chilly right? Damn. -7 degrees and snowing? That’s wild. Did you have feet warmers? Probably not. Because you’re a dumb bitch. Sorry. Aggressive language is called for in times of seriousness.

Think about when you were at your hottest point. You were at the construction site rippin cigs and just wishing you were Blake Bortles. After a long day, you kick off your Walmart version of timberlands and peel your dirty white socks off. Ah, the relief.

That’s what’s it’s like flying on a plane with socks on. It’s ridiculous. Instead of saying to the world, “hey. Take a shower and let the water and soap drip on your feet before getting on a plane so your puppies dont stink” we assume that everyone is dirty as fuck. Well, not me. Not any longer.

From this point forward, I will not be uncomfortable just to meet new societal norms so that I won’t be canceled or dragged on the internet. Drugged on the internet. Druggened on the internet. I will be comfortable. I will be wiggling my toes. I will be changing the channel with my ring finger toe right in your fucking face because I paid the premium to sit in that seat and, for the next 2 hours and 45 minutes, that screen is mine. Flight 2 of the day be damned. Bring a wipe if you dont like it.

Anyway, here’s Wonderwall.