Barstool Power Rankings: The Best Of Episode

ATTN FROM THE DESK OF THE SHOOTER OF THE STOOL SCENES:

Howdy folks, I’m writing this power rankings during the slowest week of the year at Barstool. And if you don’t believe me, try and make it through this whole video.

I for one have spent my free time coming up with an elaborate roos where I repeatedly send this video to the lady who does my taxes, so that she thinks I cannot count, and doesn’t ask me to do anymore math.

As for the rest of our employees, I’m not sure what they do with their free time, but I do know that one of them simply just wants some penis and quiet.

And since it is a slow week we decided to do a best of Stool Scenes so that people have time to reflect before things pick up again. So I figured it was only right to do the same with the power rankings. So I picked some of my favorite moments from the past and ranked them ignorantly.

So without further adu:

THE BARSTOOL THROWBACK (LAST 6 MONTHS) POWER RANKINGS

5.) A Comeback Story: Dave

Everyone loves a good comeback story. Or rather, back cum story.

A lot of people say that they want financial freedom but are not willing to bite the pillow to make that happen. So thank you Dave, for being willing to do whatever it takes to cum out on top.

4.) Comeback Story 2: Tommy Smokes

Our sequel comeback story features a different type of coming as Tommy failed to get his luck up for Dave, our original back come hero. Unfortunately that lead to Dave kicking him off of the live stream, and then calling him a cum rag. However, Tommy managed to follow in Dave’s own footsteps and come back himself, which is why he was chosen for the comeback sequel, which will be called Dude, Where’s my Cum Rag?

3.) Was Forrest Gump a Documentary? The Brandon Walker Story

The story of how we hired Brandon Walker reminds me of one of the all time classics, Forrest Gump. Reason I say this is not to insult Brandon. It is simply because the stories have a lot in common. For example, they are both from the south.

They both love college football.

And they both went to war, because at 4pm on the night of April 10th, Brandon Walker started his live gambling show for MyBookie.  And little did he know that he was about to be swept up in a war between MyBookie and Dave Portnoy. And after the dust settled, Walker emerged from a hypothetical Vietnamese jungle (his basement). Except he wasn’t going to work for Bubba Gump Shrimp. He was working for Barstool Sports.

Life really is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to bet. That’s why we love Brandon Walker.

2.) Stool Scenes Biggest Fan: KB

When I film people for Stool Scenes, It’s always interesting to see them try and decide whether to look at me or the camera. I always prefer that my peers look at me because 1.) I actually am a human being 2.) holding eye contact longer than the other person = dominance and 3.) I’m not a tripod. (I am)

However, when it comes to KB I prefer that he look directly into the camera because when he does, it looks like he just saw a witch.

There really is no way to describe KB’s gaze as it’s something that you really have to experience for yourself. So if you’re interested, DM him and offer to take him to the Vessel in Hudson Yards. He loves it there.

1.) Crossover Performer of the Year: Rone

Being performer of the year is a massive achievement, so you can imagine how elated Rone will be when he finds he won crossover performer of the year.

It takes balls to switch genders. Literally.

Also, the last person to win this award was an olympian. So congrats to Amanda Ferrone!

But that’s all I have folks, I know it’s the slow time of the year but we still tried to give you something entertaining in this weeks Stool Scenes so I hope you enjoyed it. As for my writing, any lessons are being put on the back burner while I revisit counting. Once that is taken care of I will move onto commas.

To send you into the weekend here some pictures of the esteemed actresses that came into the office recently. God Bless.