Earlier this afternoon, I was accused of drugging and raping a woman over a decade ago.

Sometimes at Barstool, we tend to write salacious headlines in order to lure the casual reader into our blogs.

There is a veritable miasma of literary smut emanating from this website at any given second, so I, along with my fellow writers, try to create click-bait’y titles that are sometimes misleading but hopefully intriguing enough to get your all-important click. 

This isn’t such a case.  

While Dave seems mired in the recieving end of a throw-away lawsuit that has a quicksand foundation, I am considering serious legal action against a group of craven nobodies who run the @QueerSporting account on Twitter.

You see, these guys decided to make a list of reasons for people NOT to like Barstool… And I assume they did this in the wake of some member (or members) of the USWNT giving my company a degree of props in the wake of all the positive mojo we have thrown their way throughout the World Cup.

– Not me, personally.  I could give a fuck less about soccer (men’s or women’s), so I have been quiet on the subject. –

I say “I assume” it was related to the USWNT only because I can’t give you the exact reason these fancy lads decided to lash out.  This is a direct result (again) of me not caring. 

Either way, at the bottom of their imbecilic list they log as one of the reasons to not support what they call “Brostool” is that Barstool employs a man who “drugged and raped women”. 

When pushed on what employee was a Cosbyesque character, they directed Tweeters to a couple of sentences from an 11-year-old article written after my very public firing from Citigroup that quoted an old blog of mine which read… 

“Although I’m pretty sure you don’t condone the drugging and subsequent raping of female bar inhabitants, haven’t you at one time or another considered what would happen with the right girl and the right mix of vodka and chloroform?”

This was a sentence taken out of a much larger blog, and although it may seem shockingly inappropriate, it is actually shockingly inappropriate.  It isn’t, however, an admission that I drugged and raped a woman at any point in my life, and it was part of a much larger and sarcastic blog.

For the record: I NEVER DRUGGED AND RAPED ANY PERSON… EVER.

For another record: I ASSUME MOST RAPISTS DON’T WRITE ABOUT THEIR RAPING ON WILDLY POPULAR AND WELL-WRITTEN BLOGS, YOU FUCKING HALFWITS.

I would invite you to go back and read the full blog and recognize the obvious sarcastic tone, but all of my takeareport work was actually written before THE CLOUD, so good luck finding it and send me a copy if/when you do. 

The people at @QueerSporting went on to say I was obviously fired because of my love of drug-addled rape… Which is also categorically untrue.  Not only is it untrue, but it is also fucking embarrassing to witness the base logical machinations that led these people to any of their insanely incorrect conclusions.

That is what may be the most frustrating aspect of this clusterfuck… DEADSPIN writes hit pieces on my coworkers whenever they need a quick bump in traffic.  And although the pieces themselves are usually boring and regurgitated, at least they try to sound sensible, even if that sensibility comes through the rose-colored filter of your garden variety uppity cunt.

But the “gents” at @QueerSporting don’t have the mental bandwidth to even come up with interesting points that have any basis in truth at all.  They are essentially a group of unlikable and frustrated guys yelling into a keyboard.  They were last seen justifying a rape accusation derived from a blog I wrote 11 years ago while on Wall Street by quoting a Mexcian joke that I wrote last year at Barstool.

It’s fucking bizarre.

I’ve been blocked by these idiotic cowards (obviously), and I assume they will eventually wipe their moronic musings from the interwebs, but as they have ironically proven – nothing disappears from the internet.  Had a nice chat with Legal this evening and will be pursuing some next steps tomorrow morning; surprisingly, they told me you are actually not allowed to publicly – and very falsely – brand someone the perpetrator of a horrible and monstrous crime.  And I will now seek my pound of flesh.

It’ll be a nice change of pace to be involved in a legal proceeding where I am the power-top… That will certainly make my day, and hopefully, it’ll make their hole weak.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I will retire to my study where I plan on drugging and then raping myself. 

Take a report, you lying cunts. 

-Large

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I have a new Wall Street story dropping on EXTRA LARGE this Friday at 10 AM on BarstoolGOLD that will not involve drugs nor rape, but I still urge you to tune in…

-L