GROCERY FIGHT!!!!!!

After all of the classic fights we’ve watched on the internet that have taken place at fast food joints, restaurants, and department stores, it turns out grocery fights may be the best setting of them all. Don’t get me wrong, the other locations have their charm and appeal. But what the others lack is the incredible amount of objects that can easily be weaponized into edible projectile missiles to escalate a typical brouhaha into a full-blown food fight from Hook.

I don’t know if I should be upset, amazed, or both that this is the first time I’ve seen someone get bodyslammed into a giant pile of corn followed by some old coot trying to beat the shit out of the aggressor with two ears from said pile of corn. But all those emotions coursed through my body during the five or so rewatches of this masterpiece. I imagine the reason that we have never seen a brawl like this before is that most grocery stores subtly defuse the inevitable tensions that arise during the hunt for the best produce in a capitalist market by piping in the soothing melodies by songbirds like Elton John and Sheryl Crow. However Walmart clearly does not give a fuck about diffusing these tensions one bit, even in the grocery section, hence the plethora of classic brawls that have been captured there over the years.

Lastly, I’d be remiss if I didn’t give the dude in the black tank top a shout out for being the clearcut MVP of this video for not only the unchecked aggression but also for his signature move where he would calmly walk out of frame so he could charge back at his enemies a reckless speed, which was the signature move of a level boss from every arcade game back in the day and I would expect nothing less out of someone wearing this shirt at a Walmart.

It’s truly poetic that this video of the Tennessee Rattlesnake laying waste to countless people is making its rounds on Twitter on this very important date in world history.